I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].
I never took any LSD!
You might want to start telling people you did.
Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
What are you talking about?
It's in some sort of foreign language.
It's Elizabethan.
Well, can we get one in English?
Walk.
You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
You're supposed to be finishing your report.
I know, but I can't find the book.
You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Find... the book.
I'm really tired.
Find... the book!
Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake [running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!
You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
I have my doubts, Dad.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.