Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?
[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]
It's not funny.
Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
That boy was nothing like me.
Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.
He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.
Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Except when they don't work.
Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"
What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"
Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
You think so?
Yeah, they should put your face on money.
[about condoms]
RRussel
Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
RRussel
Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
They don't?
RRussel
Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.