Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!

Alan

Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!

Charlie

They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!

Alan

They do not!

Charlie

"We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"

Charlie

I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.

Alan

No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.

Charlie

Well, now it's on your head for a hat.

Alan

Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.

Charlie

There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!

Alan

When did you become the king of kids' songs?

Charlie

When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?

Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!

Alan

What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?

Charlie

Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!

Alan

What?

Charlie

I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]

Alan

Charlie, you have to get out there.

Charlie

Right, the little bastards await.

Alan

They love him! How can they love him?

Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!

Alan

Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?

He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.

Charlie

You can do that?

Alan

Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.

Alan

What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?

Berta

You're just making it hotter for him.

Charlie

But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.

Alan

That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?

Charlie

I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.

Alan

How?

Charlie

If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.

Charlie

How could you take the fall for me?

Alan

I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!

So, you are a "seek-list"?

Alan

A what?

A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?

Alan

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".

Ah. [giggles]

Alan

I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".

Charlie

Nice, huh?

Alan

Nice? She's magnificent!

Charlie

You should see her naked.

Alan

Can I?

Charlie

Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.

Alan

Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?

Charlie

You really wanna know?

Alan

Yeah, what-- what's your secret?

Charlie

Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.

Alan

[moment of silence] That's not a secret.

Charlie

I didn't think so, but you asked.

Alan

So that's it, you got a knack?

Charlie

Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.

Alan

Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.

Charlie

Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Alan

So, uh, how was school this week?

Jake

OK.

Alan

Anything noteworthy happen?

Jake

No.

Charlie

I thought you said he got dumped!

Alan

I was easing into it.

Charlie

Oh, good idea. Go ahead.

Alan

Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.

Charlie

Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.

Alan

I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.

Charlie

When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?