Ralph Wiggum quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?

Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.

Bart

Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?

Yes.

Bart

Whoa, mama, the electric chair! [sniffs] Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice.

Smells like hot dogs.

And the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy, and that's why it was the best summer ever!

Thank you, Ralph. Now take your seat. [Ralph exits the classroom]

[offscreen] Hey Blindy, have a nice trip!

Aah!

Ha-ha!

Skinner

And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.

Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! [the Coleco shows a cat with "C_T" underneath; he types "a" to spell "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer] I'm learnding.

Lisa

Aw, way to go, Ralph.

All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.

Homer

Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!

Bart

You can't make us come down!

You adults are always giving orders!

Skinner

Well, you kids are always disobeying them!

Well, adults treat kids like children!

Kirk

Kids treat adults like cash machines!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Rev. Lovejoy

Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!

Homer

Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!

Marge

[embarrassed] Hmm...

Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]

Krusty

Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]

Marge

Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!

Edna Krabappel

Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!

Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]

Oh, what a bunch of brats!

We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]

Bart

Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!

Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!

Lisa

Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!

I just ate a thumbtack!

Adults! They're always telling us to--

[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!

Jasper

Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]

We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...

Don't you treat us like...

Can't you just lay off...

We're sick of all of you...

KIDS...TO...DAY!

We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!

Homer

Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?

Krusty

Yeah, you old fogies!

Buzz off, you old buzzards!

You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.

Bart

Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?

Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.

Intercourse?

What if we refuse?

You won't pass to the next grade!

I fail to see the threat.

SKINNER! Good idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.

Homer

Try some, won't you?

Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

[Takes a bit and immediately spits it out] Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

[does the same] Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

I want more! [Starts devouring more tomacco]

Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. [Joins his son]

Homer

[chuckles]

Hello, I'm Dr.Stupid! I'm going to take out your liver bones.[decapitates the Mr.Burns dummy] Oops, you're dead!

I never liked that Dr.Stupid.

Fun toys are fun!

Well said, Ralph, but we're trying to come up with a name for a toy?

Mrs. Fun?

Not bad!

Fun?

Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you a F!

The before teacher yelled at me too.

No-one's yelling, Ralph, we're just brainstorming. Lisa, any ideas?

Lisa

Oh, a name with fun? Fungus, Funzo, Atilla the Fun...

Lisa, are you doing math?!

Lisa

Just a few Venn diagrams.

There's more under her chair!

Teacher, my shoes are making noise!

Vicki

You must be Ralph.

My daddy shoots people!

L.T. Smash

I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!

What up, G-money?

L.T. Smash

Next: He'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart - Nelson.

Bart

Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?

[spins his own chair around] Whee! I'm a pop sensation!

Kent

This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus.

Lisa

I'm Annie Oakley.

I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles.

I'm a gulch.

Kent

So I guess you could say, this barely qualifies as news.

See you tomorrow, Lisa. We find out what five minus three is.

Lisa

Um... I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class.

No, Lisa, we're both in--

Lisa

Go, go, go!

Why do people run from me? [wets his pants, then smiles]

Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Yes, you said that already. What else do you know?

I once picked my nose 'til it bleeded.

No, about Lisa!

Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Someone's already worked this guy over.

Principal Skinner

Bart, your word is imply.

Bart

Imply. I-M-P...

Bart said, "I am pee." He's made of pee!

Bart

Well, I got my laugh. I'm outta here.

I made Bart in my pants.