Ralph Wiggum quotes from The Simpsons

[after killing Sherri and Terri] I killed Jerry and Larry!

That's my pee-pee bed.

Lisa is soft now.

The church is eating me.

Every time you pull his finger, his pants cough.

Principal Skinner

Ugh, now we're into the dregs. Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry... Pre-packaged Star Wars figures still in their display boxes? Are those the limited edition action figures?

What's a diorama? [Skinner picks up the figures excitedly]

Principal Skinner

Why, it's Luke... And Obi-Wan! And my favourite, Chewie! They're all here! [to Ms. Hoover] What do you think?

Miss Hoover

I think it's lunchtime.

Principal Skinner

[immediately presents first prize ribbon] WE HAVE A WINNER!

All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

I won! I won! [walks on stage]

No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Seymour, you're being totally unfair and the teachers won't stand for it.

Principal Skinner

Teachers, you don't have the guts to strike!

You don't have the guts to takes us on.

Principal Skinner

That's it!

STEEEE-RIKE!

Principal Skinner

[via intercom] Attention, this is an emergency broadcast, all is well within the school. My authority as principal is total... [Krabappel snatches the microphone back from him] No, give me that...

[via intercom] Attention teachers, we're on strike. Ha!

Lisa

Oh no, strike?

Miss Hoover, are you on...

Miss Hoover

Go home, children!

Reverend Lovejoy

I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

[scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart

[nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

[clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart

[angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy

Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Homer

Wait a minute. Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Chief

Baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers! [Sarah dials the phone] Thank you, Sarah!

If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?

Bart

Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.

Lisa

Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.

Homer

Over there. [points at Ralph and Big Daddy in the crowd]

[points at Chief Wiggum] Look, Big Daddy! It's regular Daddy!

The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.

Wendell

Ow, I can't breathe! Please stop him!

I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.

Lisa

Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--

Bart

Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.

Hey, leave her alone.

You leave her alone.

[singing] O, Canada

Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

[taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!

Bart

[taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money.

Martin

What?

Bart

Go apple!

Go orange!

Go banana!

Lisa

All we could find are these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.

I eated the purple berries.

Bart

How are they, Ralph? Good?

[collapsing in pain] They taste like burning.

I found a moon rock in my nose.

Bart

Houston, we have a booger.