Seymour Skinner quotes from The Simpsons

Seymour Skinner

Hmmm, Men, the room for me.

Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second grade babies.

Bart

Why would I want to?

Because I said "I dare you." Kearney, can you read it back?

Kearney

[Reading] "Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.

Bart

Why would I want to?

Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back?

Kearney

[Reading] Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to--"

The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.

Bart

My nards accept.

Homer

Oh! I finally caught one of Bart's school plays.

Marge

That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.

Homer

Yeah, now that I look closer, that guy couldn't fool anybody.

Skinner

Shut up, fatso.

Homer

[turns red with anger] Why you little… [furiously runs into the stage and angrily strangles Skinner, Martin and Wendell drags him off the stage]

Skinner

Now, remember to stay hydrated, and... [rattling noise is heard] AAH! Rattle snake! [it's shown that it's just Bart with a rattle; he laughs]

Chalmers

Hah! You fall for that every year, Seymour.

Skinner

In one year I didn't, and I was bitten by an actual rattle snake.

Chalmers

Yes, and if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.

Skinner

But I was gonna lose my foot!

Chalmers

Of which you have two.

Chalmers

Skinner! When I say "drive us to Bolivia", that is your cue to start the damn car!

Skinner

I can't find the key.

Bart

Looking for something?

Skinner

Yes! My car key.

Bart

Does it look like this? [shows that he got Skinner's car key]

Skinner

Yes. Quite a bit.

Chalmers

He's got your key, Seymour.

Lisa

There are two things you didn't count on: my dad getting a giant wedding cake, and my sister locking herself in the car.

Skinner

We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.

Chalmers

Well, you should've.

Skinner

How could I? She wasn't even born yet.

Chalmers

People have babies!

Chalmers

Edna, until the state disciplinary committee rules on your case, every work day you'll report to a school board holding facility. An educational limbo, as it were, where you are the unbaptized dead baby.

Skinner

They never seem to like that analogy.

Lisa

Actually, I do have a speech prepared.

Skinner

Excellent, Lisa. Freeplay cancelled.

Aww.

Bart

No one cancels my freeplay.

Bart

Sorry, man.

It's OK, thanks for making me part of the revolution.

I'd say you're dumb as a post, but at least you can put a sign on a post that says, "Fresh strawberries-- one mile." You are a nitwit in an ill-fitting suit.

[quietly] I'll have you know I'm lop-shouldered.

Chalmers

I'm sorry, what did you say?

[angry] I said, I'm lop-shouldered...and I have been since I was hung by my armpits in a North Vietnamese prison!

Chalmers

[shocked by the outburst] I... I didn't know that.

Oh, the list of things you don't know could fill a week's worth of morning announcements, with enough left over for a send-home flyer!

Chalmers

There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.

If you think it's so easy to handle Bart Simpson, why don't you do it yourself?! [The rest of the teaching staff cheers]

Bart

Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on?

Chalmers

There they are! Lets fry these calamari and serve them in a dipping sauce made from their own blood!

Skinner

But why?!

Chalmers

Well, it's not so bad.

Skinner

Well, it's a little.

Bart

Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.

Seymour

Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.

Chalmers

I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.

Skinner

Even mushroom risotto?

Chalmers

What do you think?!?

Reverend Lovejoy

So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets?

Agnes

I have no regrets.

Seymour

Really, Mother?

Agnes

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Mr. Burns

Speaking of return on investments, my Apple stock is up 3,500%.

Homer

Aw, you misheard that on purpose!

Skinner

So from now on, our cafeteria will only serve delicious Stuffwich's heroes, hoagies, and torpedoes.

What about po' boys?

Skinner

Sorry, Nelson. Poor boys, such as yourself, will go hungry.

Willie

Stop it! If you pull out these bricks, the whole school could collapse!

Bart

But there's a skunk in there.

Willie

[gasps] Scottish steak! [bursts into it, making the whole school collapse, except for the broom closet]

Skinner

You are going to rebuild on every brick of this school.

I want to see "Boobs in the Soup"!

Skinner

There is no "Naked Lunch Lady"! Bart made it up!