[About Bart's fake love letters to Mrs. Krabappel]
Bart, you did a very cruel thing.
Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.
No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
LisaMaybe we should write her another letter. One that says goodbye, but lets her feel loved.
Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty! [writing on paper] "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
[Later]
Lisa
"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."
That sucks. How about "crocodiles bit off my face"?
That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.
I may hold you to that, Marge.
[Even later]
Lisa
Okay, okay - "I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."
[imitates buzzer] EEGH! "I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."
Three simple words: "I am gay!"
Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.
[Even later, as Maggie sleeps]
Lisa
"And anytime I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name 'Edna'."
[writing it down] Oh, that's very good, Lisa.
[Marge and Lisa grumble]
How about "with a love that will echo through the ages"?
BLBart and Lisa
[impressed] Awww!
Homer, you old honey-dripper!
[Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth]
I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?
Lisa
Whaddya got?!
[Skinner is aghast to see Lisa becoming a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart]
I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.
Well... of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.
Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester...
Lisa
Checkers.
Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one who mauled Timmy!
Hey, wait a minute. Does this have to do anything with Santa's Little Helper?
Oh, honey, seven hundred and fifty dollars is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
You're gonna just let him die?
[ticked off] Darn right, I'm upset!
[covers Bart's mouth] Bart! Watch your language! [uncovers Bart's mouth] Oh, you did. Sorry.
[ticked off] I'm not gonna let our dog die and that's it! [furiously leaves the kitchen and angrily mumbles to himself]
Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach.
SSSanta's Little Helper
[whimpers on Homer's leg]
[gets annoyed] Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh! All right, all right, we'll find a way. Lousy, manipulative dog.
[Homer ordered a subliminal weight-loss tape, but he was sent a vocabulary improvement tape instead.]
Lisa
Dad, do you know what today is?
Lisa
No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.
Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!
[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]
HHerb
[to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
[Homer opens the door.]
[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]
BLBart and Lisa
Unky Herb!
HHerb
[hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!
[rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...
HHerb
I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.
Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
HHerb
I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!
[Introduction of Blanche DuBois played by Marge]
HLHelen Lovejoy as Stella
[To Blanche] [In a New Orleans accent] What's the matter, honey? Are you lost?
MAMarge as Blanche
[In a New Orleans accent] I'm looking for my sister, Stella.
Lisa
[In the audience] It's mom!
[Homer, Bart and Maggie look up to see Marge is now on stage]
BBlanche
My name is Blanche DuBois.
[singing] I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras...
A never-ending party... [pause] Ha!
I'm a faded Southern dame without a dime...
Apu as Steve the paperboy I am collecting for the evening star.
BBlanche
Come here, I wanna kiss you just once... softly and sweetly...on your mouth...
[singing] I am just a simple paperboy, no romance do I seek..
I just wanted forty cents, for my deliveries last week...
Will this bewitching floozy...
Seduce this humble newsie?
Oh, what's a paperboy to... doooooo?
[Blanche kisses him] Woo-hoo!
[Blache flies around the stage in anguish surrounded by red fog and lasers]
[in the audience] Cool! She can fly!
Lisa
I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness
But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."
[Homer and Lisa watch at home]
If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
Lisa
Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Lisa
Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Lisa
Uh-huh.
Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa
It's a deal.
[They hug]
Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa
What are we gonna have?
Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um...let's see, poison.
Lisa
What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Oh no, I'm not making two stops.
This is where the Winfields hid their mutated son.
Lisa
Bart, the Winfields didn't have a son!
See that sock over there? It was his only friend. [high-pitched voice] Hello, Lisa. Here in the dark, you won't need those eyes.
Lisa
Bart! It's not funny!
There are some who say the monster is still... [flips his eyelids] HERE!!! [Lisa runs off, screaming]
Lisa
I don't see your name on it!
Bart, don't write on the rug.
Lisa
Ha-ha. Mom yelled at you.
Lisa
Did too.
You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. [he puts Maggie to bed] I hope you never say a word. [switches the light off, closes the door]
[pulls her pacifier out of her mouth] Daddy. [puts her pacifier back on her mouth and goes to sleep as the episode ends]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
