LLLyle Lanley
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]
LLLyle Lanley
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.
Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
LLLyle Lanley
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
PSPatty and Selma
Monorail.
LLyle
That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]
HMs. Hoover
I hear those things are awfully loud.
LLyle
It glides as softly as a cloud!
Is there a chance the track could bend?
LLyle
Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
What about us brain-dead slobs?
LLyle
You'll be given cushy jobs!
ASAbe Simpson
Were you sent here by the Devil?
LLyle
No, good sir, I'm on the level!
The ring came off my pudding can.
LLyle
Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
BartSorry Mom, the mob has spoken!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!
Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
Bart and Lisa (in unison): We're under six.
And I'm a college student. (chuckles)
(Marge comes in, upset)
Kids, I've got some bad news. Your great-aunt Gladys has...passed on.
Bart (running through his head who Great-Aunt Gladys is): Gladys...Gladys. About yea-high (puts his hand where his eyes are), blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart (stares blankly, then shudders): Ugh! Oh, yeah. There she is.
The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
Bart
No use complaining about something you can't change.
But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. (to himself): Stupid dead woman.
Bart
Hey Lise, I dare you to drink the water.
Lisa (looks down at the water they're floating on. It is a dark brown, sludgy mess): I'm not sure that is water...
Bart
Chicken. [begins clucking loudly]
Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT, QUIT IT!
Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
(Lisa bends down and drinks some from her cupped hands. She groans as her grip on reality starts to slip. She stares at the Dutch girl robots)
Dutch Girl Robots (begins to sound discordant and ominous): Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you...(Lisa blinks and her eyes go white and hollow): I'll have a Duff...Duff...Duff... (the Dutch girl robots fade away into the darkness)
(the darkness of the ride is now punctuated with strange lights as Lisa begins acting paranoid)
They're all around me! No way out! (cackles insanely): NO WAY OUT, I TELL YOU! (grabs Selma by her dress collar)
Selma (as a 1960s Jimi Hendrix-style rock version of the "Duff Beer for Me" jingle plays and Lisa sees Selma as a multi-eyed monster with green skin): What's wrong? Ah, you just put your head right here. (sticks out her shoulder. The shoulder suddenly grows a mouth and snarls. The mouth on Selma's shoulder turns into Lisa's screaming mouth. Zoom out to reveal Lisa swinging an oar at Selma and Bart)
[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Bart
Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
He's not dead, is he Bart?
Bart
Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart
Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
[mimics his toy horse neighing weakly which then trails off]
[after Bart comes home] Hello, son. Where have you been?
Bart
Playing with Milhouse.
[angrily] No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me!
Bart
Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.
How would you like me to take it? Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you? I'm sorry. I can't do it!
Bart
Well, what are you gonna do?
[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]
A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
Bart
That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!
I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart
You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.
But what if he wants to hold hands?
Bart
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
What if he wants to kiss?
Bart
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Bart
You don't want to know how far I'll go.
Bart
You're going down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you!
You talk better than you fool.
Bart
I'll fool you up real nice.
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
TATV Announcer
The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
[While the thermostat is set to very high levels, Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
Bart
April F- [an explosion of beer blows out the windows and roof of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud, Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]
That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Forget it! That's two blocks away.
[squints] Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
[gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
[into radio as Wiggum runs towards the cloud] We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels!
Bart
Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.
[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]
[angrily turns red] Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]
[after watching the listless and boring Itchy & Scratchy episode "Dazed and Contused"]
[takes an angry puff from his cigarette] Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...[notices the cameras are on him]: Ha, ha! Hey, wow! Wasn't that great, kids?
That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart
Cartoons have writers?
Bart
Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart
Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!
[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]
Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?
I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.
Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?
Bart
And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?
BWBarry White
I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.
Bart
Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?
FFlea
Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.
Bart
No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there! [Bart points to a blank wall]
What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?
Hey, Moe, can I look too?
Sure, but it'll cost you.
[chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!
Bart
Dad, when did you record an album?
I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only 8 years ago.
Bart
Dad, thanks to television I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago.
[all Simpsons but Bart start laughing]
Bart
No really, I can't, it's a serious problem!
[everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too]
Bart
What're we all laughing about?
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
