Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.

Krusty

[crying] They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!

Bart

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!

Krusty

OH MY GOD!! [sobs]

Bart

Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.

Krusty

Was it a nice hat?

Bart

Oh, yeah.

Krusty

OH MY GOD!! [continues sobbing]

Bart

Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?

Marge

I don't think so.

Homer

Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge

[sighs] No, Homer.

Helen Lovejoy

My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.

I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.

My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!

Lionel Hutz

Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!

Marge

I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.

Bart

[in the audience] Cool! She can fly!

Lisa

I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness

Flanders

[now a zombie] Hey Simpson, I'm feeling a might peckish! Mind if I chew your ear?

Bart

Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer

[quizzically] He was a zombie?

Marge

Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.

Lisa

What are we gonna have?

Homer

Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um...let's see, poison.

Lisa

What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart

Poison pizza.

Homer

Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Bart

Gee, maybe they mean it this time. From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly--

Homer

[opens Bart's bedroom door as he carrying a pizza box] Bart. Don't tell your mother, but I brought you some pizza. Just promise me you'll try to be good.

Bart

I promise.

Homer

That-a-boy. [leaves and closes Bart's bedroom door]

Bart

[eating his pizza, chuckling] Sucker.

Bart

[sings Jingle Bells while hammering on a mustard packets into the carpet]

Homer

[angrily catches Bart] Bart! Why are you doing that?

Bart

I don't know.

Homer

Well, this time you must be punished!

Bart

Well, you could punish me, but--

Homer

No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you. And come hell or high water, I-- [he hears a ice cream truck] Wait a minute! [gasps] Ice cream truck! [runs out of the house and shoves children out of his way to get a ice cream] Me! Me! I was here first!

Homer

Mmm. Now, what were we talking about, boy?

Bart

Uh, we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.

Homer

Oh, yeah. The trick is... to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer

Someday you'll thank me for this, son.

Bart

Not bloody likely.

Homer

No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart

Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer

I like stories.

Bart

Look, can I please go to the movie?

Homer

I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Bart

TV sucks.

Homer

[low, angry voice] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Bart

This is where the Winfields hid their mutated son.

Lisa

Bart, the Winfields didn't have a son!

Bart

See that sock over there? It was his only friend. [high-pitched voice] Hello, Lisa. Here in the dark, you won't need those eyes.

Lisa

Bart! It's not funny!

Bart

There are some who say the monster is still... [flips his eyelids] HERE!!! [Lisa runs off, screaming]

Marge

Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama?

Bart

Can you say get bent?

Marge

Bart!

Bart

Mr. Rogers says all the time.

Marge

He does not.

Homer

Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy.

Marge

Kitty. Kitty.

Lisa

Be-bop. Be-bop.

Bart

Shove it. Shove it.

Bart

Homer!

Homer

[laughs, picks up Bart] Homer is what grown-ups call me. Call me Daddy.

Bart

Homer.

Homer

Daddy.

Bart

Homer.

Homer

Daddy.

Bart

Da-- Da-- Da--.

Homer

Yes.

Bart

Domer. [chuckles]

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... [angrily strangles Bart]

Bart

Hey, Homer, this house sucks!

Homer

Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me daddy!

Bart

Homer, nah!

Bart

I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby.

Marge

I'm sorry, Bart. You're too little.

Homer

Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. [he places his can of beer on Bart's head]

Marge

Homer!

Homer

What?

Bart

I was sitting there!

Lisa

I don't see your name on it!

Bart

It's right there!

Marge

Bart, don't write on the rug.

Lisa

Ha-ha. Mom yelled at you.

Bart

Did not.

Lisa

Did too.

Homer

You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. [he puts Maggie to bed] I hope you never say a word. [switches the light off, closes the door]

Maggie

[pulls her pacifier out of her mouth] Daddy. [puts her pacifier back on her mouth and goes to sleep as the episode ends]

Bart

Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.

Lisa

We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer

Really? What's it like?

Lisa

[shrugs] Eh.