Scenes with Homer Simpson 1,190
[the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program]
F1FBI Agent #1
Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".
HomerCheck!
F1FBI Agent #1
Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer doesn't respond and stares blankly] Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer
I gotcha.
F1FBI Agent #1
Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer doesn’t respond and stares blankly. The FBI agents exchange looks]
[hours pass by]
F1FBI Agent #1
[frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer
No problem.
F1FBI Agent #1
[stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer
[still doesn't respond and stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI agent] I think he's talking to you.
[the FBI agent facepalms]
[Homer busts into Bart's room at night with glowing eyes and a knife]
Homer
BART DO YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?!
[Bart screams]
[Homer switches back to normal, holding a brownie tray]
Homer
Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot!
Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher's knife!
Homer
Why? [looks at the knife in his hand] Oh, right! The Sideshow Bob thing! I'm sorry, boy.
[Homer puts the knife down, kisses Bart gently on the forehead, and walks out of the room. Bart turns over to go to sleep and Homer busts back in.]
Homer
BART YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?! [stands over Bart revving the chainsaw]
[Bart screams louder]
[Homer returns to normal]
Homer
Oh, sorry! What am I thinking?
[Homer kisses Bart on the forehead and walks out of the room]
[Homer is sitting in a nuclear inspection van]
MNMale NRC agent
Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
Homer
Hm?
MNMale NRC agent
Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
Homer
What the hell are you talking about?
[The agents slam the door of the van shut, and slide open a peephole to watch Homer]
Homer
[blubbering] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!
MNMale NRC agent
Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
Homer
[to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
[Homer shields his eyes and pushes random buttons, inexplicably causing a meltdown]
MNMale NRC agent
No, no! This... can't be happening!
[Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]
For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
[reopens the door] I like to put my feet up.
[Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]
Homer
Raargh! Must... destroy... mankind! [his watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime. [Homer shakes off the radiation and walks off]
[Homer, Bart and the nerds have captured Sir Oinkcelot]
Homer
Look! You pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again! [He begins pulling the pig's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [Sir Oinkcelot starts squealing in agony]
Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.
Homer
Of course he does! He's a cute little piggy! [Continues pulling Sir Oinkcelot's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [The pig viciously bites Homer on his hand] OW!! [turns red with anger] WHY YOU LITTLE...! [Homer lunges at Sir Oinkcelot, but Bart and the nerds restrain him]
Homer
Hello, Dean? You're a stupid-head!
PPeterson
[looks out the window] Homer, is that you?
[Homer screams and flees the payphone]
PProfessor
Good morning, and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying: "Out with the old, in with the nucleus" [Every student in the class except Homer bursts out with laughter] Now, let's just get started on the- whoops. [He drops his lecture notes, this time Homer explodes with laughter]
Homer
Oh, did you see that jerk! He dropped his notes! [Homer continues laughing obnoxiously loud]
Bobo? Oh I meant Lobo, uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have cancelled that show. What were they thinking?
Oh, I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.
I won't get what I really want.
[Smithers briefly imagines Burns popping out of a cake naked and wearing only a sash like Marilyn Monroe]
FBFantasy Mr. Burns
[singing] Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers...
[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is tossing and turning in his sleep]
Homer
Lobo...Lobo... Bring back Sheriff Lobo!
[Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]
Homer
Are you ready to laugh?
MIMan in Audience
Ugh, that poor dog.
Homer
I said, are you ready to laugh?!
WIWoman in Audience
Quiet, you awful man!
Homer
You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap--
Homer
Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so old--
[pounds the table] How dare you!
Homer
Whoa! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... [clears throat] Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky".
[Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]
Homer
[mockingly] I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah blaaah!
Destroy him. [one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious] This party is over. [the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]
[After Mr. Burns' party, Homer is nursing the lump on his head he got during his comedy act at Burns' party]
Homer
Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.
Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please, don't deny the world your fat can.
Homer
Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]
Homer
Mmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. [sits at the table and begins eating one at a time] 64...63...[Time passes to morning] 2...1.
[entering] Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer
I think I'm blind.
[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]
[They both leave]
BDBarney The Dinosaur
Two plus two is four... two plus two is four... two plus two is four.
Homer
Hehehe. I can see why this is so popular.
[Devil Ned has give Homer an enchanted doughnut.]
Homer
Oooh!
Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
[Homer has already scarfed the doughnut, except for one small piece.]
Homer
Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Well, technically, no, but...
Homer
[sing-song] I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev--
[Devil Ned angrily transforms into a huge, red demon.]
[deep voice] YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!!
[He vanishes into the floor. Homer smugly puts the last doughnut piece into his pocket.]
Homer
Not likely. He, he, he.
[In Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division, Homer is strapped to a chair where a blue demon arrives]
BDBlue Demon
So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer
Uh-huh.
BDBlue Demon
Well! Have all the donuts in the world!
[He starts laughing as Homer is force fed donuts. 15 minutes later, it's revealed that this torture has backfired as Homer still hasn't had enough.]
Homer
More.
BDBlue Demon
I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.
Alright Simpson, you get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!!!
Homer
[screams]
Homer
BART! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis— Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!
QUICK!! We have to kill the boy!!
How'd you know he's a vampire?
He's a vampire? [screams]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
