Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Little Lisa. I've already started you a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan.

Marge

According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.

Homer

Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.

Marge

I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.

Homer

No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.

Marge

Won't that warp him?

Homer

My cousin Frank did it.

Marge

You don't have a cousin Frank.

Homer

He became Francine in '76, then he joined that cult. I think his name is "Mother Shabubu" now.

Bart

I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby.

Marge

I'm sorry, Bart. You're too little.

Homer

Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. [he places his can of beer on Bart's head]

Marge

Homer!

Homer

What?

Bart

I was sitting there!

Lisa

I don't see your name on it!

Bart

It's right there!

Marge

Bart, don't write on the rug.

Lisa

Ha-ha. Mom yelled at you.

Bart

Did not.

Lisa

Did too.

Homer

You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. [he puts Maggie to bed] I hope you never say a word. [switches the light off, closes the door]

Maggie

[pulls her pacifier out of her mouth] Daddy. [puts her pacifier back on her mouth and goes to sleep as the episode ends]

Bart

Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.

Lisa

We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer

Really? What's it like?

Lisa

[shrugs] Eh.

Krusty

Hey hey! [goofy laugh] [Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.] Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearance!

Homer

Krusty, why are you here?

Krusty

Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."

Homer

Well, I could use a laugh.

Krusty

Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [lights a cigarette]

Homer

You seem pretty healthy.

Krusty

Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

Homer

Heh-heh, mule.

The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby

Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Ned

Monorail!

What's it called?

Monorail.

That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]

I hear those things are awfully loud.

It glides as softly as a cloud!

Is there a chance the track could bend?

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

Barney

What about us brain-dead slobs?

You'll be given cushy jobs!

Were you sent here by the Devil?

No, good sir, I'm on the level!

Chief Wiggum

The ring came off my pudding can.

Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Bart

Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!

Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Homer

Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

Marge

Homer, there's a family of possums in here!

Homer

I call the big one Bitey.

Homer

Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?

Homer

And I'm a college student. (chuckles)

Marge

Kids, I've got some bad news. Your great-aunt Gladys has...passed on.

Marge

No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

Marge

The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.

Lisa

We understand.

Bart

No use complaining about something you can't change.

Homer

But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge

Homer, quit pouting.

Homer

I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. (to himself): Stupid dead woman.

Marge

Selma, your date's over already?

Selma

Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. (sighs): I guess I'll never have a baby.

Homer

I knew that.

Homer

[after Bart comes home] Hello, son. Where have you been?

Bart

Playing with Milhouse.

Homer

[angrily] No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me!

Bart

Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.

Homer

How would you like me to take it? Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you? I'm sorry. I can't do it!

Bart

Well, what are you gonna do?

Homer

Oh-ho. You'll see.

Homer

Is there a problem, officer?

Yep. Got a tail-light out.

Homer

Where?

[smashes a tail-light] Right there.

Homer

[angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!

[alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?

My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.

Hans Moleman

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Homer

My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Reverend Lovejoy

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

Mr. Burns

We don't have to be adversaries, Homer! We both want a fair union contract!

Homer

[internally] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

Mr. Burns

And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!

Homer

Wait a minute... is he coming onto me?

Mr. Burns

I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?

Homer

My God, he is coming onto me!

Mr. Burns

After all... negotiations make strange bedfellows! [chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]

Homer

[screams]

Homer

[gets up] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered – maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

Lisa

Do you really think you can get our dental plan back?

Homer

Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...

Bart

Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.

Homer

Done and done!