Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Flanders

[now a zombie] Hey Simpson, I'm feeling a might peckish! Mind if I chew your ear?

Bart

Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer

[quizzically] He was a zombie?

Marge

Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.

Lisa

What are we gonna have?

Homer

Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um...let's see, poison.

Lisa

What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart

Poison pizza.

Homer

Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Bart

Gee, maybe they mean it this time. From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly--

Homer

[opens Bart's bedroom door as he carrying a pizza box] Bart. Don't tell your mother, but I brought you some pizza. Just promise me you'll try to be good.

Bart

I promise.

Homer

That-a-boy. [leaves and closes Bart's bedroom door]

Bart

[eating his pizza, chuckling] Sucker.

Bart

[sings Jingle Bells while hammering on a mustard packets into the carpet]

Homer

[angrily catches Bart] Bart! Why are you doing that?

Bart

I don't know.

Homer

Well, this time you must be punished!

Bart

Well, you could punish me, but--

Homer

No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you. And come hell or high water, I-- [he hears a ice cream truck] Wait a minute! [gasps] Ice cream truck! [runs out of the house and shoves children out of his way to get a ice cream] Me! Me! I was here first!

Homer

Mmm. Now, what were we talking about, boy?

Bart

Uh, we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.

Homer

Oh, yeah. The trick is... to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer

Someday you'll thank me for this, son.

Bart

Not bloody likely.

Homer

No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart

Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer

I like stories.

Bart

Look, can I please go to the movie?

Homer

I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Bart

TV sucks.

Homer

[low, angry voice] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Mr. Burns

Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]

But sir, that's my office.

Mr. Burns

Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?

Homer

[bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...

NOOOOO!

Homer

[to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.

No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.

I’m sorry ma’am but everything on the menu has fish in it.

Marge

What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?

Yes.

Marge

Well, I have some Tic-Tacs in my purse [looking through her purse]

Excellent choice. [writes on his notepad then turns to Homer] And for the gentleman?

Homer

All you can eat! All you can eat!

All right, when you’re ready, take this plate over- [holds up a small plate to give to Homer but he is already taking a tray from the buffet table]

Please, don’t take the steam tray! Sir!

That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters.

Sea Captain

'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Argh. [walks over to Marge and Homer] 6 bells, time for closing.

Homer

Can't talk. Eating.

Sea Captain

Fairly warned be thee, says I. [he snaps his fingers and two waiters drag Homer out of the restaurant as he is still eating]

Homer

Hey. Hey! Hey! [runs back to the buffet table, starts shovelling food with his hands and the waiters drag him out again as Marge follows on foot] But the sign said "All You Can Eat"!

Young Homer

Zookeeper! Zookeeper, those two monkeys are killing each other!

[quietly, to Homer's ear] They're having sex.

Young Homer

Oh.

Homer

[angry] Mr. West, you said there was a job for me.

There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.

Barney

So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Marge

Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama?

Bart

Can you say get bent?

Marge

Bart!

Bart

Mr. Rogers says all the time.

Marge

He does not.

Homer

Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy.

Marge

Kitty. Kitty.

Lisa

Be-bop. Be-bop.

Bart

Shove it. Shove it.

Bart

Homer!

Homer

[laughs, picks up Bart] Homer is what grown-ups call me. Call me Daddy.

Bart

Homer.

Homer

Daddy.

Bart

Homer.

Homer

Daddy.

Bart

Da-- Da-- Da--.

Homer

Yes.

Bart

Domer. [chuckles]

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... [angrily strangles Bart]

Bart

Hey, Homer, this house sucks!

Homer

Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me daddy!

Bart

Homer, nah!

Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.

Krusty

[furious] YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!

Homer

[surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.