Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

You're going down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you!

Homer

You talk better than you fool.

I'll fool you up real nice.

Homer

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

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TATV Announcer

The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.

Homer

Mmm… beer.

[While the thermostat is set to very high levels, Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]

April F- [an explosion of beer blows out the windows and roof of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud, Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]

Lou

That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Forget it! That's two blocks away.

Lou

[squints] Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

[gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.

Lou

[into radio as Wiggum runs towards the cloud] We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels!

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I, uh, brought you a little present. [gives Homer a can of beer]

Homer

No. No! Beer bring pain!

Barney

I can't stand to see him like that this. [Shoves a pillow in Homer's face. He than lifts up a water fountain, throws it at a window, jumps out and runs away]

He really needs a girlfriend.

Homer

Oh Marge. What if I wind up as some vegetable watching TV on the couch. My important work will never be completed.

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Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Homer

[gargles] Rrraaahhh…

Ah! Kill it! Kill it!

Grampa, please, he's in a coma.

Coma? Pffft. Why, I go in and out of comas all the- [falls asleep, pauses, wakes up] French toast, please.

Lisa

Is a coma painful?

Oh, heck no. You relive long lost summers, kiss girl from high school. It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

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Mr. Burns

[bursts thru the ward] This man is costing my health plan $5000 a day! I demand that Joe die with dignity. [he plugs the plug]

Dr. Hibbert

Now, look, I'm the doctor here.

Mr. Burns

Well, I demand a second opinion.

NDr. Nick

[pops in] Hi, everybody!

AAll

Hi, Dr. Nick! [Nick pokes Homer's abdomen with a reflex hammer]

Homer

[squeaks] Mrrh.

NDr. Nick

Oh dear, I see no signs of life. Just to be safe, we better pull the plug.

Mr. Burns

Yoink!

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Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.

[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]

Homer

[angrily turns red] Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

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You lost 5% of your brain.

Homer

Me lose brain? Uh-oh! [Everyone including Homer laughs] Why I laugh?

[The episode ends, showrunner appears. The credits begins. After the credits, Gracie Films and 20th Television appears at the end of the logo]

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HSHomer's Brain

This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.

Homer

Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

Oh, my God!

HSHomer's Brain

No, the other secret!

Homer

Marge, I never graduated from high school.

Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap... Wait, maybe it does...

Homer

I never passed Remedial Science 1-A.

Marge [concerned] And you're a nuclear technician?

Homer

Marge, ix-nay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay!

What did you say?

Homer [upset] I don't know. I flunked Latin, too!

S4 The Front

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Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?

FFlea

Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.

No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there! [Bart points to a blank wall]

What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?

Homer

Hey, Moe, can I look too?

Sure, but it'll cost you.

Homer

My wallet's in the car!

[chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!

S4 Krusty Gets Kancelled

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Dad, when did you record an album?

Homer

I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only 8 years ago.

Dad, thanks to television I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago.

[all Simpsons but Bart start laughing]

No really, I can't, it's a serious problem!

[everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too]

What're we all laughing about?

Homer

Who cares?

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[After the Grammy Awards...]

Homer

Then came to the greatest thrill of my life.

GHGeorge Harrison

Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.

Homer

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie?

HHarrison

Over there. There's a big pile of 'em.

Homer

[walks over to the brownies and wolfs down a whole bunch] Oh, man.

HHarrison

[completely sincere] Well, what a nice fellow.

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[The Be Sharps are going through hard times.]

HSHomer, Skinner, and Apu

[singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop

Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop

Koop Koop-a-doop

AApu

[to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Homer

I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?

PSPrincipal Skinner

Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.

[Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]

Barney

Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.

[On the recorder]

BSBarney's Girlfriend

Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]

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Homer

[during the closing credits] I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition. [Everyone laughs, including Barney. After the laughter dies down]

Barney

I don't get it.

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LBLisa and Bart

AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!

You wrote me those letters!

You awful man! Stay away from my son!

Sideshow Bob

[menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!

Homer

Oh no!

Sideshow Bob

Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.

No!

[Sideshow Bob grumbles and walks away]

S5 Cape Feare

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Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and [winks] legal.

Homer

Is that so? [yells out kitchen window] Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? [Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders] Heh-heh-heh-heh...