[to Stan and Kyle] Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? [laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him in the balls] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!
S5 E3Super Best Friends
Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
Stan No, I'm Stan.
You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Who are you?
I'm Kyle.
He-he, guess who I am, guys?
I'm not going anywhere.
Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here!
Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Oh wait, who am I again?
You're Stan.
S5 E4Scott Tenorman Must Die
[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]
Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?
Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!" Now who's with me?!!
[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]
Timmy!
[groans] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy.
Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]
S5 E5Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow
YTYoung Terrance and Phillip
Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
Don't they love that chicken and ham?
WWoman
Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?
MMan
It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.
WWoman
Oh.
Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."
Here's a missile for ya! [farts]
Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on?
I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]
GLGoat Leader
As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
Wow, that sucks.
Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!
Yeah, whatever, kid.
He'll do it, dude!
Look, you guys! That line isn't long!
Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!
Kenny's a random slut!
S5 E6Cartmanland
[to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!
[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.
[in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!
[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?
Hohohooho! Oowwww!
YOU SONS OF BITCHES! [goes towards the source of the sound]
[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]
Come on, dude!
OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!!
[arriving] What the hell are you doing?!
Aw, crap.
OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! [falls off, but outside the park]
Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]
[now standing, rubbing his ass] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!!
Alright, let's go.
[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!
You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!
My life can't get any worse!
You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]
If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!
What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.
[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]
Dude, are you okay?
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?
Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.
I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
Jesus.
But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude.
Kyle, don't say such things!
Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
Kyle, you just don't understand, it's-
No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!
[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]
Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! [beat] Kyle?
Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.
...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but—
(in tears) Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! It doesn't make sense! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!? Ow!...
Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park?
Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.
CClerk
Welcome to Cartmanland.
[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]
Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
DDoctor
I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]
AAnnouncer
And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
H1Host 1
[Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
H2Host 2
And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.
H1Host 1
Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.
[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]
WWaitress
I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.
[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]
CClerk
No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.
[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]
AAssociate
[the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]
[Back to Money Quest...]
H1Host 1
Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.
[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]
Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]
[approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.