[Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]
AAnnouncer
The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
S10 E9Mystery of the Urinal Deuce
[Mr. Mackey interrogates Clyde in his office]
Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
I dunno. [looks away]
You got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown ragdoll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]
Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade! [Roger and Betsy appear and enter his office] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a dookie in the urinal!
[Mr. Mackey addresses the students over the PA system]
Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five, m'kay? Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice. 'Cause one of you thought it would be a good idea...to pull down your pants, m'kay... [cut to the hall; all the students there are listening] ...hover your butt cheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog, m'kay? [the students laugh] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! [cut back to Mr. Mackey] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny...about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal... [cut to the gym; the students there have stopped practicing basketball to listen] ...m'kay, dropping your pants and then...turning around...squatting over that urinal...m'kay, maybe, maybe pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay...and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the gym students laugh] Oh yeah, that's REAL funny! [cut back to Mr. Mackey as he slams the mic down in anger] I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do, m'kay?!
[Stan cleans the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision]
When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay? How would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!
S10 E10Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy
Go with Christ, bro.
RReporter
Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair... with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher... is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then... damn!
Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
KKid
What?
[Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]
You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
KKid
[holds up hall pass] It's right here.
Alright, cool, bro. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]
KKid
What, you can't just push me up against the--
[Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen]
[to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
Sure, dude.
I need you to keep quiet about this, alright?
[Cartman walks up]
My little brother and his teach—-
Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
Dude, what's the matter?
The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
[long silence]
Wow.
Really?!
Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand!
What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
[long pause]
[sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break!
[Cartman starts to walk away]
And during class, they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!
[Cartman pauses, with an intense look on his face]
They what?
They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!
[turns around] Hang on a second. Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
Well, they're doing it.
Yeah, well, now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction. If someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!
[singing]
The fear of darkness is all around you
The criminal are on the run
Now you better bring your hall pass
I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The hallway monitor
[singing]
I got some bad-ass guys to help me
I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again
[after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]
Well, once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.
We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Doggie style.
Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
APAll Policemen
[pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]
You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher? What is his name?
Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
[sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?
Well, no, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
[even more surprised] The blonde?
Yeah.
APAnother policeman
Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
Yeah.
Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
Yes.
Has she performed oral sex on him?
I think so.
OOfficers
Nice.
Wait, what's the crime?
PPoliceman
The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]
Hey! He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
You're right, we're sorry. This is serious. We must find this kid and... give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle screams in frustration and runs off]
Butters [singing to himself at the urinal]: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, what do you know? Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.
'Kay, so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God, you should've been there.
HMHall Monitor
Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.
What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!
HMHall Monitor
I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.
Aw, suck my balls, you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie! Who the fuck do you think you are?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.