TV show quotes
Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.
STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!
Hey, stop being mean to me!
[back in the studio, angrily] Mm mkay, in 15 minutes, you're all not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say: That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening, and you're all FUCKING AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's because tooth decay sucks. [the other kids agree with the dental floss kid.]
[ticked off] Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [to dental floss] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss. (angry yelling) You're not as good as you fucking think you are!!! You're already acting like you're a star, and we haven't even opened yet!!! (screaming furiously) OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES, DENTAL FLOSS!!!! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Skeletor's real?
No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Skeletor's a lady?!
[enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!
Hey, Eric!
[violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SCHOOL!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND IT'S STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!
You get in trouble again, Cartman?
NO, I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?
Yeah.
Well, the school put the sizes of all our PENISES up on a big chart in the school hallway!
No they didn't.
YEAH, THEY FUCKING DID, KYLE!!!
Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our DICKS?
Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!
That doesn't make any sense.
Go look for yourselves!!
[The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in from of the chart that Cartman had mentioned.]
There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?
Is that really all our wiener sizes!?
Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!
Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.
Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]
I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]
[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.
[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!
[curious and confused] A conspiracy?
They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!
Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.
Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!
Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!
You're darn right, Eric!
For what?!
Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?
[points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
What?
I don't care if Obama is president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!
Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
You're damn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!
The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!
What?
We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.
Those weren't our dick sizes?
WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?
I don't know! Why would you?!
We didn't!
[gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's... because of me?
THIS is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!
Oh, God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
[points at her] FUCK YOU! NO, I DON'T!
Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.
Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [a gunshot is audibly heard on the other end] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
[calmly, but with a visible look of anger] I'm not fat. I'm big boned.
Man, this shot's whack, man. I just see all this shot fronting man. I'm in the stands like pozze no fracking good, man. Shot might be calling me tapping that shot, man.
(In Southener Accent) This country was founded on the ideas that one corporation coundn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverty. Screw you sir, I'm going home.
(In Japanese Accent) Welcome to Shitty Sushi. Can I take er order please?
What's the big idea putting your Shitty Sushi right next to my Shitty Wok?!
I'm sorry I do under understand your accent. You want Shitty tuna roll????
No I don't want Shitty tuna roll! I want you to go find another Shitty town to open your Shitty Sushi prace!
Why don't you please just speak Engrish? Maybe I can understand you!
I am speaking Engrish! Why don't you speak a fucking Engrish, you sofa eating fuck!
Get out or I call police!
Come on, kid, you don't want to eat this Shitty Sushi! It give you worms.
Better than Shitty Kung Pao Chicken made from CAT!!!!!!!!
[An Enraged Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takayama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut]
[goes into City Sushi] You see what happened?!
I told you not to come in here!
Now everyone in town think a Chinese and a Japanese are the same fucking thing!
I don't even know what the fuck you are saying! Uhpupuh putuh peepee!
Aaah you Japanese racist! [Mr. Kim launches at Mr. Takiyama like he did before, and they trade blows again.]
[The bowling alley, Steamy Ray Vaughn is back in performing. The janitor and his friend are present]
City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it]
Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whooping like that.
I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance.
City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chatting with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks.
[sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins]
Wait now, who's that lady?
That there's Steamy Nicks.
You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song "Landslide"?
Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later]
Yayaya! [more fart sounds]
[enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!
I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone?
Them britches have had enough!
[Nighttime at the Marsh residence; Randy and Sharon are seen arguing through the living room windows]
You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!
Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!
I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!
You're 42 years old, Randy!
I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!
Oh, is that what you think?! That I'm dead?! You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef!
Why can't you ever just support me?!
Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!
Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!
WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with YOU making the same mistakes again and again?!
BECAUSE I'M UNHAPPY, OKAY?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft]
...I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.
I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and, I want to enjoy it.
I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore; you just seem kind of... shitty to me.
You kind of seem shitty to me too.
People get older, Randy. People grow apart.
Stan?
[While drunk] Kyle! [Hugs Kyle]
Hey, Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]
[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical!
Stan, are you alright?
But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit because the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!
Dude. Have you been drinking?
You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.
[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept?
See? There you go again. Look at you, dude. Look what you've become. [Cartman shows up to see Kyle]
Everything alright here, Kyle?
Yeah, It's fine.
We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Yeah, yeah, ah I'll be right there.
Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you, Kyle, [Flips him off] you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're a piece of shit, though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him this time]
[to Cartman; enraged while finding out the secret to his burgers] You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?!
[disgusted] Ewww!
[turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we've got to stop them!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
