I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.
S11 E9More Crap
HBHerr Broloff
My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.
That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.
S11 E10Imaginationland
[answers phone] Hello?
Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.
No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.
[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?
Yeah, how'd you know?!
Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!
[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?
Why?
Our darling Butters never came home last night!
What did they say?!
We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.
..Dude...
[the To Be Continued part]
TTerrorists
Allah! [push Rickety Rocket faster to the barrier]
RRRickety Rocket
AAAAAH! JESUS CHRIST! NO!
TTerrorists
[cheer]
FMFanciful Mayor
That was your plan to stop them?!
Yeah, just a little heartfelt speech.
FMFanciful Mayor
That’s fucking stupid! [the terrorist stop playing with their guns as the wall which separates the evil side of Imaginationland from the good side starts to break] They are coming..
S11 E11Imaginationland Episode II
Mom, Dad, I dreamt I was in Imaginationland and, and terrorists attacked it.
You are in Imaginationland! This is a dream.
Huh?
FMFanciful Mayor
Hey, wake up, stupid! C'mon, wake up, kid!
[wakes up] No, wait! I was back home in bed!
FMFanciful Mayor
No, you passed out and peed your pants!
CCinderella
[points] Look! The evil of Imaginationland is coming out!
[The evil characters break loose from the bad side, the characters from the good side flea. (uncensored part) Mickey Mouse's head is shot]
Oh hamburgers!
TTerroists
Allah! [got knocked by an evil character from the bad side]
FKFreddy Kruger
Tomorrow, we shall build our own castle right on this spot!
[the portal begins to act violently. Lightning shoots out and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away]
Talk to me! What's going on?!
[The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]
LTLead Tech
Something is coming through the gate from the other side.
[a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]
OOperator
What is it?!
T3Tech 3
It's like a half-man, half-bear!
LTLead Tech
And half-pig!
[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]
T4Tech 4
Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!
[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]
Look out!
[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]
T3Tech 3
No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!
[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]
Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!
[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]
Kyle!
[a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam finally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]
[Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]
PParamedic
Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.
No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]
PParamedic
I'm sorry, young man.
Kyle?
PParamedic
Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.
[enraged] Nooo! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!
He's gone, little boy.
[to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt] Do it!
PParamedic
Charging.
Do it!
[the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body]
Come on, buddy.
PParamedic
Clear.
Come on, buddy.
[the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.]
Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]
[Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily]
Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]
I'm supposed to be in school right now, but instead I have Snarf, Popeye, and Luke Skywalker all passed off.
S11 E12Imaginationland Episode III
AAslan
Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.
BBBeavery Beaver
This is gonna be fun, huh?
WCWoodland Critters
[cheering] Yeah!
AAslan
We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.
W-What can I do?
AAslan
You have a power here that you have yet to understand.
If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?
Because I-- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]
[touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]
So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...
[snaps] Just let it go already, you asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER. EVER. Going to suck your balls-- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!
Oh God...
SSuperman
Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.
SCSanta Claus
Okay, Kyle, that's enough ball-sucking.
[as Butters wakes up when he and Linda enter his room] Come on, Butters, time to get up.
Oh, Dad! I had the craziest dream! I saved all of Imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack!
You were in Imaginationland, Butters. We read all about it in the paper. The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?
You are grounded, mister.
[disappointed] Oh. [realizes] Wait, I'm not grounded.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]
That only works in imagination land. You're grounded.
S11 E13Guitar Queer-o
[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
So you boys like this music, huh?
Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
[angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
But... But this is real.
Real guitars are for old people!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.