Mayor McDaniels quotes from South Park

Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!

Why are they all suddenly coming here? [Gerald and Sheila arrive]

Mayor, what are you going to do about this?! My wife and I can barely eat or shop!

When a town like ours has a homeless problem, it must look at the root of what's causing it.

[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!

What?!

There's these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over Sodomy, forced all the homeless out!

Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?!

They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!

What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja, and you pull your gun on them?!

Davíd Rodriguez was lucky to live!

Everybody told me they were terrorists!

We thought they were! But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!

But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.

Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"

I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.

Do you even know what "farm to table" means?

[furiously] Hankey! [Hankey turns to her and the other council members, all pissed at him] We need to talk about what you tweeted.

Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.

No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night. [takes out her phone] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."

Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!

I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.

Fire me? No, no, no, please. I-I'm really sorry. No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas?

Today, South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop.

Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.

No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.

A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.

[opens the back door for him, coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.

Stan

Where will he go?

He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.

Ship to address. Order now. Usually ships in… [irritated] four to six weeks?! I can make my own towels in four to six weeks!

[knocks on door] Mayor, you have a visitor.

Not now, I'm having problems.

Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweak. Mackey.

Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when (all the) homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called "Mexican Joker?"

Yeah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible.

Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana.

Well, that's ridiculous.

The Tweaks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.

Guys, I have nothing against home-growers.

Run the footage, please! [Janson plays the footage on the screen; Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and starts peeing and pooping in it, he then burys an explosive and runs away before the homegrown garden explodes; end of footage] People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.

Enough of Tegridy Farms?! South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms!

You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. [to an officer] Get him out of here.

[as the officer takes him away] I didn't do anything wrong! You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful!

Well, at least South Park can start getting back to normal.

[answers the door] Oh, hi, Mayor.

We need to talk, Marsh.

What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas Special so far?

Oh, people love the Christmas Special. [picks up a jar and turns to Randy] So, Marsh. What exactly is in this Christmas Snow?

Okay, okay, look, you busted us. It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season. I know, it's wrong.

No, no, no, what is the white stuff on the marijuana?

Oh, that? That's cocaine.

[horrified shock] WHAT?!

Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ. You know, powder, snow, it's what gives Christmas Snow its kick. Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growing our own. Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than the marijuana plant. It can grow even when we're out of season.

What is wrong with you?! We can't have you selling this stuff in town! Cocaine is ILLEGAL!

It is?

Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison!

Hey, hey, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. Hang on, I'll handle it. Don't go anywhere. [pulls away from the farm and goes to town; later returns] Okay, cocaine's totally legal now. [hands the mayor the new law]

It- it is?

Yeah, legal in seven states including this one, and other states are soon to follow. I told you. It's 2019, dawg.

All right, people. It's almost Thanksgiving, and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us. How is it that we haven't found one sponsor to help pay for this event?

South Park's just fallen on hard times, Mayor. Nobody's got the money.

Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot, but as you know, we've recently all lost Tegridy. So I'm afraid we just can't help.

What about the City Pop-up Store? Can't they help sponsor this year's race?

How shitty Asian pop-up pay for Turkey Trot? We gotta pay tariff! We're more fucked than anybody!

Let's just face it, Mayor. South Park businesses are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.

[entering the room with janitor equipment] Trash? Anybody got trash?

[forming a ball with paper] Oh, yeah, here's some, bank shot! [throws it at him]

There has to be a solution, people. [gets up from her seat and walks over to a window, looking outside] The Turkey Trot is the one time of year this town comes together as a community. We all need it now more than ever.

Well, of course there is someone who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch'a money. I mean, they're giving money to everyone else, why not us?

[turns around] My God... [smiles] That's it!