[off-screen] Clyde?! Clyde?! [enters Mr. Garrison's classroom] There you are!
Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!
What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?!
CClyde
Mom, I'm in class.
How many times do I have to tell you, Clyde?! I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again!
RRoger
Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal.
No, Roger, it's a disgusting habit, and I am sick and tired of it! If I had sat down, I would've gotten toilet water all over my vagina!
My grandma's from Virginia.
You are coming home right now, Clyde, and you are putting the toilet seat down where it belongs! Let's go!
[Deleted Scene]
Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?
Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?
The playground's burned down, dude.
Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!
[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"
CClyde
Because that's what you said.
That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!
CClyde
Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?
TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!
CClyde
You're the asshole!
[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.
CClyde
Kind of like your start-up company.
[After a short pause, Kyle punches him in the face, having to have heard that]
[Token, Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, Stan, and Kyle start fighting as all the students cheer; Cartman runs up punches Token, also joining in; Later, all the boys (except Jimmy) are in Mr. Mackey's office]
Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?
Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?
[Outside, boys into the woods, he up the stairs, and Kyle opens the door]
Oh, dude, is this it? This is cool. So isolated. [He looks a shovel to a hole dug in ground] Check it out. There's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground. [Inside the cabin, Cartman use the computer to show the password] Dude, is this where we're gonna play? I call dibs on this side. What's the WiFi called? Is there a password? [Kyle closes the cabin door, and show the tools to bring the Cartman’s electronics] I don't see it. I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know. I think maybe the WiFi's not working. [He puts stuff on top] Where's the box? You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. [Turning around] You guys? You guys? There's… no WiFi.
CClyde
The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands.
[Cartman looks afraid]
[afraid] What are you… What are you guys talking about?
You brought this on yourself, Cartman. We're sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online.
Just put your stuff on the table and step back.
[panic] Please! Please don't break my stuff, you guys! This is like, two Christmas and a birthday worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please!
Let's just get it over with.
No, don't take over with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt! I'm not! You guys, you guys, you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. We can still just play CounterStrike and forget everything. Oh, my God, there's no WiFi. We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play CounterStrike! It'll be sweet! You guys, come on, please! Please you can't!
CClyde
I can't listen to this.
Please, Clyde! Clyde, you’re my friend! Please, you, you know how much I need my stuff!
Let's just get it over with! [Walks up to Cartman, then he goes to break stuff]
No, please, if I can't get online, I won't have it… I… [Craig stabs Cartman’s laptop with his knife, screams] No, God! No! Don't!! Don't!! Don't!! Oh, my God!! [He knocked on the table and destroyed by the boys] Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! AAHH!!! NIAH!!! NIAAAH!!! AAHH!!! AAHH!!! NAAAHHHH!!! [Cartman passed out]
[Outside the woods, Token pats the roots with shovel. The boys looks horrified]
[Cartman screams this instance]
[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!
How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?
Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.
Butters, don't be a dick!
Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.
CClyde
He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.
What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.
Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.
Actually, some other projects are pretty cool.
CHCartman & Heidi
Shut up, Kyle! Samesies! [both kiss]
Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.
CClyde
[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?
CClyde
Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.
CClyde
I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?
[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]
CClyde
Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.
Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!
CClyde
How'd I frack up the pitch?!
You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!
CClyde
The guy has guns for hands!
[Later, in the principal's office…]
[confronting Cartman] Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?
I think I did say that, yes.
And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?!
[shrugs] Somebody runs Hollywood.
[irritated] Lots of people run Hollywood!
Yes, lots of… people like Kyle.
Mr. Cartman, you are a dangerous frickin' ground here, buddy!
Hey, Clyde, can I talk to you?
Well, um, Wendy just came up to me and was acting all hurt 'cause she think I don't care about her.
CClyde
[closes his locker] Uh-huh.
And she said that she wishes I would reply to her texts the way that Clyde responds to Bebe's. So, like… how do you do it?
CClyde
Yeah, dude, there's a bunch of apps and programs you can subscribe to that use OpenAI to do all your writing for you. People use 'em to write poems, write job applications, but what they're really good for is dealing with chicks. Here. Check it out. There's tons of ChatGPT apps for your phone. So, then I can take whatever latest dumb thing Bebe texted me, I copy it, then I open the GPT app, click "respond to," paste her text here, hit "write." It just thinks for a second. "You would look great with any length of hair! Trying a new look could be fun." Copy that into messages and send it off. It's super easy and convenient and it saves me a ton of time because she texts me so goddamn much. [his phone buzzes, getting another text from Bebe] Jesus Christ! [reads her text] "I probably won't do it, but thanks for being supportive." Cut. Paste. Write. Cut. Messages. Paste. Send. There. [copy and pastes Bebe's latest text, responding, "No problem! I'm glad you feel supported whether you do it or not."] All done with her stupid shit.
CClyde
It'll completely change your life, bro.
[to Stan as they walk down the school hallway] He's gone too far this time, dude. The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.
Bro, you just got to ignore him.
Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him when he's saying it all on a podcast.
He actually said that all women are whores, and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.
Look guys, just leave it alone. Don't give him any more attention.
That's easy for you to say, dude.
Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups he's spewing his stupid shit about.
[walking up to them] Hey, guys, who are you talking about?
Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
[off-screen] Hey, here he comes!
[All the students boo angrily and throw paper balls at Clyde as he walks through the hallway]
CClyde
[passing by] Whatever guys. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
You don't know a thing about the Jewish people!
Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies!
CClyde
Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say. If you guys don't like it, why don't you come debate me on my podcast? [walks away]
We're not indulging your stupid podcast!
MMeagan
[scrolling through the market app on her phone, as well as Red, and sees the bet of Sheila bombing Gaza officially removed] What the hell?
They took it down! We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets!
CClyde
How can the app company do that?
I got in at nine-to-one odds! This is b-b-bullshit!
MMeagan
Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.
[blowing his whistle as he appears] Guys! For the love of God!
[The students all put away their phones; Kyle and Cartman are then seen sitting on the steps]
Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks. You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.
Oh, that's all right, Kyle. I'm just happy the bet got taken down. Now none of these sickos can profit off of what your mom does.
Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.
What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?
Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.
It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?
No, when my mom left the house, she said she was gonna find the person responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
