Linda Stotch quotes from South Park

Butters

[hisses at his parents after jumping off his bookshelf and stands on the open window] I know now what I have to do. [jumps out the window and runs away]

Stephen, what has happened to our boy?!

(I think) He's become something, Linda. Something that… we cannot ground.

Cartman

You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!

Kyle

[puzzled] Butters? Why?

Cartman

It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere, Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!

Stan

You're talking about Butters?

Cartman

Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!

Stan

[knocking on the door] Butters?

Butters

[off-screen] LEAVE ME ALONE!

Stan

Butters, come out here.

Butters

GET OUTTA HERE, ALL OF YA!

Kyle

Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes. Now, whatever your problem is, you just...

Butters

[unlocks the door and barges out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well, you don't know everything because your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school?! You're all fake and stuck up and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]

Cartman

Well, apparently, Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?

Butters

[runs out of the restroom again] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! YOU'RE ALWAYS TRIVIALIZING EVERYTHING I SAY BY GETTING THE LAST WORD! WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD THIS TIME! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in again]

Cartman

Wow.

Butters

[peeks his head out the door] Double wow!

I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.

[irked] Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!

Butters

[gruffly while feeling grouchy] I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off, I guess!

[sternly] Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?

Butters

I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!

Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?

Butters

[angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!

Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of Panua.

Excuse me?

Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.

All the windows are barricaded in the back.

Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?

[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?

There should be more in the basement, Sharon.

Stan

Could someone please tell us what's going on?

Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.

Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?

Kyle

About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?

Tell them, Stephen.

You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the Wacky Races.

A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.

Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.

I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to sob as Linda consoles him]

For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.

[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!

There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?

Butters

Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters!

I know that. What do you…?

Butters

This is for all the times I got grounded! [socks his father in the groin]

[doubles over in pain as Linda watches in shock of horror] OHHH! OOH! OOH!

Butters

HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [through walkie-talkie] Ha, ha! How do you like that, Dad?!

[through walkie-talkie; horrified] Butters, why?! Oh, my God!

Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.

I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.

And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?

[referring to himself and his wife] We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?

You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.

Facebook? How so?

Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.

Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.

That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.

Do you really think he'd come?

Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [sips his coffee]

Butters

Oh, boy! This is looking so great! [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey, Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!

[frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! FUCK YOU, SON! [leaves and slams the door, then walks into the house through the kitchen, enters the living room, and puts on his vest]

Butters really loves that bike parade.

I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight. [sighs deeply] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.

You work too hard at that place.

Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their backs to provide.

Sheila

Girls, can I just say, you both look fantastic.

[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.

Sheila

Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore.

[angrily barges in, having thrown up on herself] There you are, you goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!

Sheila

Harriet, I do not like your tone.

You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!

Sheila

What are you talking about?

I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!

Sheila

So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?

That's beside the point now!

Sheila

Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day!

Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!

Fuck you, Harriet!

Oho. Okay ladies, come on.

Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [Laura begins to moan before she, too, starts throwing up and poops her skirt with projectile force; shocked] What the fuck?!

You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet. We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh- Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then has to lean over on a chair as she is unable to hold in her diarrhea and squirts it out around other diners, also splashing her now-infected vomit on everyone in the diner, as all the girls in the group but Sheila are now vomiting and soiling themselves uncontrollably]

Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.

And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.

Sheila

Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.

I hope we can all be besties again.

You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.

Sheila

Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?

Kyle

I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.

Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.

Stan

[approaching Tolkien, while playing football with Butters] Uh, hey, Token.

Tolkien

Oh, hey, Stan.

Stan

Uh, listen, I uh… How you doin'?

Tolkien

Fine.

Stan

Um… You think your family would wanna come over for dinner? Out at our farm?

Tolkien

It's kinda far, isn't it?

Stan

Yeah, but… Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.

Tolkien

What are you talking about?

Stan

I mean, we never just hang out, you and me.

Butters

Hey, we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!

Stan

Shut up, Butters! Look, just will you please just see if your family will come over for dinner? It would mean a lot.

Ok, there we go. This is a farm fresh hemp salad sourced locally here at Tegridy! All right, come on everybody, dig in.

[pleased] Thank you so much for having us over. This is really nice.

We've never been to a marijuana farm before.

Well, you know, with our boys starting to become so close, we thought we better get the families together! If they're friends, then we need to be friends! [pulls out his phone] Do you mind if I post this? Check out our friends!

Randy… I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.

W-what are you talking about?

It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.

Oh, that's so lame. No, we really just wanted to get to know you guys better since Stan is friends with Token. You know… just out of curiosity– why did you guys name him that?

What do you mean?

Well– I mean, it's just kind of an odd name, isn't it? Like, some people might think you guys naming your son that isn't very cool.

People have a problem with Tolkien's name?

Well, I mean other people just think it's a little… I mean, come on, I mean, I'm– I'm not calling you guys racist, but– why did you name your son that?

My husband has always been a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.

[shocked] His name is Tolkien?

Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.

Stan

[to Tolkien] I thought your name was "Token".

Tolkien

My name is "Tolkien".

Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.

Holy shit, that's what his name means?

What did you think his name meant?

Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?

[to Linda] We should just pull Butters out of dressage. He sucks at this.

Oh, we can't pull him out. He loves it.

Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared. The big competition is this weekend. Butters will be going up against the Russians.

[looking worried] Oh, look, here comes the Russian now!

BOO!

Boo, Russia! Boo!

Hey, what are you (two) booing at a little kid for?

Don't you know who that is?! That's Dan Solokov's kid! Dan Solokov? Who works at the Ace Hardware over in Meeker! Even the kid's pony is a Russian Etruscan! [turns to Solokov's son] You piece of shit communist! You won't take our freedoms away! Boo, Russia!

[annoyed with his arms crossed] Back from work, Butters?

Butters

Oh. Hey, Mom and Dad.

You must be so tired from selling all that ice cream.

Butters

Well, yeah, it was a pretty long night.

[to Linda] A long night, he says. [back to his son] That's great, Butters. Only problem is, if you're really working at a job, then why is there… [takes out Butters' paycheck] $0 in your bank account?!

Butters

[shocked with horror] What?!

So now what are you really doing, young man?

Butters

$0?! But I've been working every day! (That's impossible!)

Oh, sure. I know exactly how it is. You say you have to work so you can get out of the house, get away from the family and you go down to that glory hole down on Fourth and Larimer.

[in tears] Oh, my God, Butters!

And while your family thinks you're at your job, you're actually strapped facedown on a bed at the Brighton Motel, taking any load you can find on Adult FriendFinder. It's the lies! It's the lies! I can't take it anymore! [runs to the front door] I'm going to the office and get some work done! [walks out the door and leaves]

Butters

[enraged] That son of a gun!

Sheila

Are you implying that Jews in America have some kind of obligation to do something about it?!

Whoa, whoa!

Sheila

You wanna vilify my faith, is that it?!

Sheila, it's okay.

Sheila

It's not Jews vs. Palestine, it's Israel vs. Palestine!

Here we go with the Palestinian stuff again.

Sheila

And maybe if you read books instead of everything Hollywood actors say, YOU'D KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! [walks away, leaving]