South Park · Season 6, Episode 1
“Jared Has Aides” · Season 6, Episode 1
In this episode: Eric Cartman (6), Butters Stotch (3), Stephen Stotch (3), Linda Stotch (3), Stan Marsh (1), Kyle Broflovski (1)
[beats dead horse with baseball bat] I tell my girlfriend I have aides and she leaves! I tell the world to get aides and they think I'm crazy! I offered to give aides to kids and everyone wants me dead!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH AIDES?! WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE WANT ME TO GIVE THEM AIDES?
I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!
Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
Wugh, that's a long time to wait.
Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!
Yes, sir.
This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!
Four times, Mom.
Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
Yes, sir....
[Butters collapses down on the floor, near-death. Stephen and Linda feel disgusted for a beat]
Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!
I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
[impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.
Jacking it? Jacking what?
[impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
[impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
[impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.
Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.
[impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.
[shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
[impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
[impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with bells on, you old horse-bangin' skank.
Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.
Then eat your puke!
No!
C'mon, Japanese girls do it!
[Cartman sets his chair and is seated at the front of Butters's house, before Chris and Linda rushed all the way to enter the door]
[inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!
DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)
Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)
Ah! What did I do? What did I do??
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!
(BASH!!) Dahh..!!
Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
