Sharon Marsh quotes from South Park

You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!

Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!

I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!

You're 42 years old, Randy!

I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!

Oh, is that what you think?! That I'm dead?! You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef!

Why can't you ever just support me?!

Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!

Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!

WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with YOU making the same mistakes again and again?!

BECAUSE I'M UNHAPPY, OKAY?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft]

...I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and, I want to enjoy it.

I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore; you just seem kind of... shitty to me.

You kind of seem shitty to me too.

People get older, Randy. People grow apart.

Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea.

What?! Randy!

[shushes her] Just trying to leave without being rude.

Stan

[tries to use the telephone to call a number, but finds the line cut off] What the hell? Shelley, I need use your cellphone.

[trying to look for it in her bag; freaking out] I can't find it! Somebody took it!

[enters] All right, Randy, where are the car keys? [Randy doesn't answer] Randy, where are the keys to the car?!

All the windows are barricaded in the back.

Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?

[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?

There should be more in the basement, Sharon.

Stan

Could someone please tell us what's going on?

Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.

Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?

Kyle

About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?

Tell them, Stephen.

You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the Wacky Races.

A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.

Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.

I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to sob as Linda consoles him]

For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.

[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!

Stan

Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?

I was told to.

You were told to walk out in front of 100,000 people, including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit?

Okay, hold on. "A," I don't have a clit, so, technically, I wasn't rubbing anything. And "B," I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him!

Stan

[annoyed] Pff. [gets up from his seat and leaves the dining room, and so does Sharon, leaving Randy by himself alone]

Do you want to explain to me what "pussy crushing" is?

What?

Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! It's just a way to pick up on young women?!

Sh-Sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are.

I don't want you going over there anymore!

I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon!

I'm warning you. You're on the wrong side of this. We're just trying to get answers.

[drawing her gun on him] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!

He pulled one on me first, Sharon!

Stan

Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!

Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!

I told you to leave him alone!

God, I hate this family! [pulls out her gun at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!

Whoa! Whoa, Shelley! Put down the gun, Shelley!

You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!

Stan

She doesn't always take my side!

You shut up or I'll swear to God I'll use this.

Shelley, put it down, now.

You don't even try to know me, Dad!

I want to, Shelley! I just sometimes like you hate me!

I feel like you hate me, Randy!

I don't hate you, I LOVE you! I need to be a better husband, a better father!

Stan

We all need to be better to each other!

Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!

..I love you guys.

Stan

We love you too, Dad. We just wanna know what's going on with you.

All right. I'll tell you everything. [holds his gun] Wow, these things are amazing.

[comes down the stairs, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction; then turns and notices Sharon crossing her arms] Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.

Did you hear anything about what happened last night?

Uuuhhh, no, what happened?

Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, showing last night's news] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?

Are you serious?!

You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween!

God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode.

Randy, what did you guys do at that party?

Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.

People were hurt!

Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch!

You can't possibly be considering doing this again!

Why not?

Randy a real witch is flying around in the sky snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying.

Ugh. Gah! Just because of one bad witch, we're supposed to stop a tradition that goes back twenty-some-odd years?! Jesus!

Stan

Some kid shot up the school.

Who shot up the schoo-- was it you?

Stan

No.

Did you get shot?

Stan

No.

Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz?

[pounds the table, angrily] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school!

I'm sorry, Sharon. I...

Why are you all acting like this is normal?! What is wrong with you people?! [storms upstairs]

Stan

What's up Mom's ass?

[entering] Hey, Sharon. You doing okay?

No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe!

Uh-huh, and... what else is going on?

Why does there need to be anything else?! [in unison] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

[in unison] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon.

Why isn't anyone else emotional?!

Hon, uh… when was your last… I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause, you know, you're… down there?

Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's…

I'm… I'm just… I'm just pointing out that it is around that time.

GET OUT, RANDY! I'm not overreacting!

Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!

Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?

What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?

Red?

How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!

[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.

[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.

Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.

The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.

[now irked and enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]

You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.

Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, Randy?!

Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.

Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!

How do you know?

I just got my period this morning!

You... you got your period?

YES!

You just got your period this morning?

YES!

So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-

NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!

I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.

That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!

You want everyone to be sad?

Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]

Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.

[points to Butters after he unlocks the church doors] Ohhh! [laughs along with the other congregants]

Butters

There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find somethin' better to do! [closes the doors and locks them up]

Hey. Hey! Open the door! Hey! Come on! [driving all the way home, moments later…] Well, this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?

I just feel so empty.

What are you guys so upset about?

Shut up, Shelley!

I'm over it, Sharon. I am seriously over it. Don't you wanna just start over? Go back to simpler times?

What do you mean?

I've had it -- school shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get outta here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.

Are you being serious?

I've never been more serious.

[honking] Hey, the light's green!

SHUT UP, NELSON! Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like work hard and tegridy.

How will we make a living?

By growing things and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.

Well, gang. Looks like Tegridy Farms is turning big profits again. We're on our way to becoming the biggest weed brand in the country. I'm not getting pushed around now, you got it? So go on. Anybody here wants to call me a towel, just go ahead and do it! Go on, Sharon. Call me a towel.

Fine. You're a towel. [gets up and walks away]

BEST TOWEL YOU EVER HAD, BITCH!