Sharon Marsh quotes from South Park

[turns off TV after watching the commercial] Well? What'd you think, guys?

How much did you spend making that commercial?

Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.

[furiously] Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!

Yeah. We make money either way.

You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]

I hate marijuana! [gets off the sofa and leaves too]

[gasps] Shelley!

Stan

I hate marijuana too. [gets off the sofa and leaves as well]

[gasps] Stan!

Hey, where's Shelley?

Shelley hasn't come out of her room in two days.

Why?

You know why, Randy.

[sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [walks upstairs and enters Shelley's room] Hey, Shelley? Can I talk to you for a minute?

What do you want?

Come on, kiddo. Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelley leaves her desk to sit on her bed next to Randy] Shelley, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?

I hate marijuana!

Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?

It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!

Shelley, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?

Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!

Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?

Serena Williams.

Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.

No, she's not!

You don't know that, Shelley! Now you're just making assumptions!

Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!

Shelley! Okay, look. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you!

A pandemic special, Randy? Really?

What?

People are hurting! People are dying, Randy! And all you can think about is make a special about it?

I'm doing something positive to try and help. People really needs this right now.

You're a child, Randy!

M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [the parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?

Sheila

How are you going to do this?

Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?

Oh, here we fucking go again. Stop mask shaming, Stotch!

Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.

There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!

Spoken like a true redneck.

Oh, fuck you!

Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer keyboard silence muting everyone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key, unmuting everyone]

I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.

The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?!

Okay! BOOM! [mute silences everyone again] You're all muted! M'kay? I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger raises his hand] Mr. Donovan.

I don't care what changes you've made. My son Clyde is not going to class.

And that is your prerogative. Mute. Uhkay, Mrs. Marsh.

I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.

That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, but… we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Uhkay, so they'll do just about anything.

What new teachers?

Randy? Where are the car keys? Randy!

[wakes up] Huh? Uh, what? What?

It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.

Jimbo's better?

They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.

[realizes his DNA has cured Jimbo] Holy shit.

[comes out of the house] Randy? Randy!

Just… what?!

Randy, you gotta get in here!

I'm doing something important, Sharon! People need this right now!

Come upstairs, something's wrong with Jimbo! [Randy enters holding his crotch as he limps] He'd just been sleeping for days. [puts her mask on and walks to Jimbo's room] They said he was getting better. Last night, his fever came back. And then a few hours ago this "thing" appeared on his face.

What thing?

[lowers down Jimbo's mask, revealing a mustache on his face, identical to Randy's] Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.

Huh. That's weird.

[walks into his and Sharon's bedroom, finds his wife asleep] Hey, Sharon? I need to talk to you. [sits on the bed] I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can.

[sits up visibly showing her pandemic mustache] If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy. [Randy looks at her not saying any words] What?

You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special?

No. I don’t smoke marijuana, Randy.

Uh-huh. [gets up from the bed and walks off]

Well, what did you want to talk to me about?

I just… think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some shit on your face.

Guys... I wanna have kind of a tough talk with you. We don't really have any black friends, we don't reach out to the black community. Shelley, you never bring any black dudes over. I mean, Stan, your three best friends are all white.

Stan

There's only one black kid in my whole class.

Yes, that kid, Token. How come you never hang out with him?

Stan

I do hang out with him.

In a group, maybe, but I don't recall just you and Token ever doing anything. I've never seen Token here at the farm, just like, the two of you guys. Why not?

Stan

I... I don't know.

Randy, stop, we're not racists.

We'd like to think that, wouldn't we? But... actions speak louder than words, gang. I guess... I guess I just want you to think about it.

They stole it! They stole my idea!

Who did?

Those dickheads across the street! They took everything I learned about using black culture to make a bigger profit and they're doing it themselves! Get this little prick outta my house! [drags Tolkien outside]

Stan

DAD!

Get him outta here, he's a spy! Hey, fuck face! I don't want your kid over at my house, you got that?!

Hey, man, what's your problem?

You want a war?! Well, you got one! Game on, asshole!

Game on, motherfucker.

Everyone back in the house. Come on, let's go.

Stan

But, Dad…

Shut up!

The story of young Stan Marsh might seem incredible, but the fact is many people suffer from unconscious biases. If you or someone you know might have also thought the name Tolkien didn't come from J.R.R. Tolkien, then please call… 1-800-I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Because you are the fucking problem.

See, Stan? You gotta choose if wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

Stan

Yeah, can I do it?

Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.

[entering] Randy? Randy! The powder room toilet is broken…again!

Did you jiggle the handle?

Yes, I jiggled the handle! Will you come fix this, please?!

Okay, okay. [gets up from the sofa and enters the powder room to try and fix the toilet] Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingy. [to Sharon] What'd you do to it?

I didn't do anything.

Let me see if there's water in the bowl… [starts to open the lid]

[quickly closes it] No! Don't lift the lid!

[smirking] Why can't I lift the lid?

Don't, Randy!

Uh-huh. [peeks out the door; to his kids] Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it!

Stan

[disgusted] Ew!

Gross, Dad!

Randy, we need to get a new toilet.

We can't just get rid of Ol' Blue, Sharon.

This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use! You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [walks out]

Alright, alright, Sharon, you win. As usual.

[as the Japanese toilet is being installed in the powder room] That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?

Oh, Sharon. Tenn-ish.

What's tenn-ish?

Tenn-ish. Thousand-ish. Ten thousand-ish.

[shocked in anger] You spent $10,000 on a toilet?! We don't have that kind of money, Randy!

Yeah, we do.

I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.

Who shot him?

Nobody knows.

Stan

Is he gonna be okay?

He's in a coma. He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.

[lying down in a hospital bed; blabbering weakly] Bikkuri… Bikkurishita... Taihen deshou...

Alright, guys, you sure you packed everything?

Yeah, that should be all of it.

Well, I hope you and Shelley have a great spring break trip.

I still feel bad, us going on a trip while you and Stan stay home.

You guys have fun in Santa Fe. We're going to do some dad-and-son stuff. Goodbye, Shelley! Have fun! I'll miss you!

There should be food enough to last you the week.

Yes, yes, don't worry. We'll be fine.

Bye, Stan! Love you!

Stan

Love you, Mom!

Okay, guys, be safe!

Bye!

Aww, yeah! Bitches are gone! [strips in his underwear] Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! This is gonna be the best spring break ever! They're gonna be gone the whole week! Bro, what are you doing?

Stan

[painting board-game miniatures on the coffee table] I'm painting miniatures.

Painting min… Dude, do you not understand? Your mom and Shelley are gone! We can do whatever we want without any stupid rules!

Stan

Whatever I want?

Yeah, dude! That's what this is all about! Let's do some spring break shit!

Stan

Can I see if any of the guys wanna come over to do "40k" all week?

Hell, yeah, let's do some "40k". What is that?

Stan

You don't know "Warhammer 40k"?

Oh, yeah, "Warhammer 40k", of course. I'm down. Let's do it.

Stan

Really? All week?

Yeah, dude! You're old enough.

Stan

Sweet, I'm gonna call Tolkien!

Stan

Oh. Hey, Mom.

Stanley, what have I told you about playing "Warhammer" on the table?

Stan

Aw!

[chasing the ICE police after arresting some Mexicans while making a commercial; shouting] You sons of bitches! Those are my Mexicans! [enters the farmhouse; frustrated] God damn it! [walks up to the table where his wife and kids are working on a puzzle]

What's the matter?

[takes off his farm hat] Stupid ICE! They took my Mexicans again! [somberly] That's it. We're done.

Stan

What do you mean, "we're done?"

I mean that with these new rules the government has… we might (as well) just have to shutdown the farm.

Stan

So we can move back to our old house?

Really?

Well, don't sound too excited. Our dream may be over, guys.

Randy, having a marijuana farm was your dream, not ours.

You guys never told me that.

Yes, we did.

We've always backed you, but it never seems to pay off.

I didn't realize what I was doing to my family. I should have always put my marriage first. Maybe we should talk to someone, Sharon.

Really? Do you mean that?

Yeah.