Eric, partner with Butters.
Hold Butters' hand, Eric!
[Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]
Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you're both back on that bus! Do you understand?
ButtersI understand. [takes Cartman's hand]
All right, let's head in. [leads the way]
You can let go now, Butters.
Butters
[firmly] No.
Butters
No!
[the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]
All right kids, go ahead and the visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. (And remember,) Keep track of your partner!
Butters
No!
You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!
Butters
Ah! [shoots a customer in the groin]
[Annoyed] Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.
Butters
Huh?
That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
Butters
But I was just trying to stop him and you said--
It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.
Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.
P1Police Officer #1
The President?
P2Police Officer #2
Alright men, we're going in.
No. God damn it, we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.
[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]
P3Police Officer #3
Ah! Aggh! Owww!
Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Butters
What, what happened?
God damn it, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?
Butters
You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.
What the fuck is wrong with you? That is not cool, Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.
Butters
Well okay, I'm sorry!
It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamn it!
[Randy, Sharon, and Shelley are on the roof of Best Buy with the Stotches]
[filming] Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy. We… We ran up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. [pans the camera to the Stotches] There's Chris and Linda, and their son, Butters.
Butters
[waves to the camera] Hello. [chuckles]
[A sound of buzzing is heard and starts increasing]
What is that? Chris, what is that?
Oh, that's a--that's a new sound.
SStephen (Chris)
[points to something up in the sky] Oh, God, look!
Those aren't guinea pigs!
SStephen (Chris)
Get off the roof!
[following them as they get off the roof and run down the stairs] Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, God. Going down the stairs now. Okay, getting down the stairs!
[They reach the main floor and a news report is shown in the television aisle as they head to the entrance]
AAnchorman
And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.
Get away! There's bees everywhere! There's another one right there!
[pans the camera to a giant guinea bee] OH, MY GOD!!!
T2Townsman #2
[on the ground, with a stinger stabbed in his chest] It stung me! IT STUNG ME!
Butters
[panicking as he enters the house] Mom! Mom, I gotta tell you something! You're not gonna believe it!
[knitting] Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy.
Butters
Oh, no. What I'd do this time?
You just march on in there.
Butters
Oh, jeez. [marches into the kitchen and enters]
[As Butters enters the kitchen, he sees his displeased father standing in front of the counter with a box of Hamburger Helper and a glass of milk sitting next to him]
You see this, Butters? It's a glass of milk that I poured for myself. And you see this? It's Hamburger Helper. Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!
Butters
[nervously] I have no idea, sir.
I'll tell you why! [opens the pantry] Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically. But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!
Butters
I'm sorry, Dad. It's just I've been really preoccupied lately.
Well, do you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?!
Butters
Uh-oh.
Butters, you are grounded!
Butters
Ah, dangit! [gets off the sofa and goes upstairs to his room in annoyance]
It worked, Linda. Our son is groundable once more.
(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)
No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)
We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.
You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really pissed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!
Clyde (chiming in): I threw up on the way home.
Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!
Butters
They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; I'm not your buddy!
Butters
Yo, Bebe, Bebe yo.
Butters
Bitch, you wanna make some motherfucking money?
Butters
Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.
Butters
Oh, alright then.
[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]
Butters
Hey Wendy, Wendy!
[Wendy looks at Butters]
Butters
Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real fucking money?
[annoyed] Leave me alone!
Butters
Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.
Butters
What?
You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!
Butters
Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some motherfucking money!
Butters, seriously. If you don't stop this, I'll kick your ass!
Butters
[turns to Clyde] Clyde, heres a $100. If Stan comes near me, punch him.
Wowwee. [grabs the money from Butters]
[turns to Stan] Dude, we've created a monster.
Butters
Come on Wendy, you should be putting that mouth to work.
Butters, Butters do you have a problem?
Butters
All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fucking money!
Butters
Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what i am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.
[Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
I do not directly say she's a slut!
[reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"
[leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
"Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
Butters
[showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
FBFirst Boy
[reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"
Hey-hey, stop reading that!
FBFirst Boy
Well, what do you mean?
Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!
SBSecond Boy
Yes, it does!
Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.
[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
Butters
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
Butters
[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
LLola
[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
Butters
[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
LLola
Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!
[the girls leave]
[frustrated] God damn it!
Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
Butters
[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]
[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!
NRNews Reporter
[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!
[Stan and his friends enter Butters' room]
Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.
Butters
I know.
They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!
Butters
[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!
Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.
Butters
Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.
That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.
Butters
What?
[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Butters
[shocked] What?! Oh no!
Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]
Butters
Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]
Butters
Hey, Stan! Isn't that Tom Cruise?
Huh? Oh, wow, it is. Hey, guys, check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!
Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]
Butters
How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?
I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!
Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.
But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]
Then why are you packing fudge?
I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]
Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.
Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!
You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!
[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?
[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]
No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!
[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]
TKTony Kornheiser
All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.
[In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? That's fuckin' gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] It's gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.
Butters
Obama's fuckin' gay.
He's fuckin' gay as hell.
Butters
Pisses me off.
So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin' come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama's gay as hell!
TKTony Kornheiser
Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
