You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere, Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!
StanYou're talking about Butters?
Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!
[The boys leave the cafeteria and stand outside the restroom around the corner, where Butters has locked himself in]
Stan
[knocking on the door] Butters?
[off-screen] LEAVE ME ALONE!
Stan
Butters, come out here.
GET OUTTA HERE, ALL OF YA!
Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes. Now, whatever your problem is, you just...
[unlocks the door and barges out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well, you don't know everything because your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school?! You're all fake and stuck up and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]
Well, apparently, Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?
[runs out of the restroom again] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! YOU'RE ALWAYS TRIVIALIZING EVERYTHING I SAY BY GETTING THE LAST WORD! WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD THIS TIME! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in again]
[peeks his head out the door] Double wow!
[Later… in Principal Victoria's office; Principal Victoria discusses with Stephen and Linda about Butters' behavior]
I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
[irked] Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
[gruffly while feeling grouchy] I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off, I guess!
[sternly] Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?
I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?
[angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!
[After a short pause…]
Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of Panua.
Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
Stan
[tries to use the telephone to call a number, but finds the line cut off] What the hell? Shelley, I need use your cellphone.
[trying to look for it in her bag; freaking out] I can't find it! Somebody took it!
[enters] All right, Randy, where are the car keys? [Randy doesn't answer] Randy, where are the keys to the car?!
[runs up to the boys at the neighborhood park] Guys! You guys! Listen. Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!
Stan
Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.
Come on, guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!
Stan
But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.
Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.
Stan
I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.
Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.
God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!
Well, maybe Cartman had a good reason.
[stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!
Huh? Wha? NO. Uh-uh, why?
[walks towards him] What did Cartman tell you?!
He didn't tell me nothin'. And I'm sworn to secrecy. I-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [gasps] Uh, don't make me say anymore!
Tell us what you know, right now!
I can't! Don't you see?! [feels his body and takes out a small bottle of almond M&M's] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it!
Stan
Is that an M&M?
It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Please, just leave me alone.
Then you have to tell us!
Well… uh… HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the almond M&M and makes sure he doesn't throw up]
Oh, shit! Don't let him swallow it!
Stan
Pry his mouth open!
[grabs Butters by the collar] Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!
[As the boys search everywhere around in the Cartman residence, Liane enters with a bag of groceries]
Oh, my goodness, what's going on?
Sorry, Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.
Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?
Stan
He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected president.
[walks off into the kitchen] Oh, well, no TV for him for a few days.
There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one Scooby clue.
Stan
[looking outside] Oh, my God, you guys! Look! Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship!
Stan
[wakes up as his phone rings and answers it] 'Sup, dude?
Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?
Stan
Uh, yeah, the first grader?
You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.
Stan
What?!
[naked and at Stan's door after finding out a parental lock has been put on the TV] Stan. Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?
Stan
[barely awake in bed] What?
What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?
Stan
You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.
Oh! Come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? Ya-you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? That's stupid! I'm not going to go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan. I'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person, too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! Stan? You're a lousy kid! I WISH JADEN SMITH WAS MY SON!
You guys wanna play outside or something?
Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?
I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Stan
Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?
The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?
Yeah, you kind of make a point.
Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?
[everybody shouts, "YEAH!"]
Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]
CACommercial announcer
The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!
[an image of the years-in-development real life game, South Park: The Stick of Truth, appears on screen]
[appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.
[Papa John's (Gluten Quarantine Center 1), Stan approaches]
Stan
Dad? Dad!
[appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?
Stan
Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you is Lorde's uncle or something?
I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?
Stan
Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?
How's your mom? Your, your sister?
SSoldier
[walks up next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're, you're gonna have to go.
Stan
No, no, no, not yet. DAD!
That's my son, you bastard!
SSoldier
I'm sorry, all right?!
Stan
Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!
Stan
Let me talk to my dad!
[Deleted Scene]
Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?
Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?
The playground's burned down, dude.
Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!
Stan
[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"
Because that's what you said.
Stan
That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!
Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?
Stan
TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!
[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.
Kind of like your start-up company.
[After a short pause, Kyle punches him in the face, having to have heard that]
[Token, Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, Stan, and Kyle start fighting as all the students cheer; Cartman runs up punches Token, also joining in; Later, all the boys (except Jimmy) are in Mr. Mackey's office]
Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?
Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?
[Deleted Scene; The Marsh and Broflovski families are all at the Stotch house, barricading and boarding up the house]
All the windows are barricaded in the back.
Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?
[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?
There should be more in the basement, Sharon.
Stan
Could someone please tell us what's going on?
Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.
Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?
About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?
You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the Wacky Races.
A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.
Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.
I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to sob as Linda consoles him]
For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.
[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!
[Stan heads back to Cartman's room and takes off the Oculus headset with the next scene showing the boys in live-action]
So aside from all the bullcrap, why you think of the Oculus?
Stan
It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck.
[entering the room; hopping happily] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore.
[Deleted Scene; Stan walks up to Wendy, putting her stuff in her locker]
Stan
Hey, I'm sorry. I seriously had no idea you'd even played volleyball.
Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it, Stan? You don't pay attention to anything I talk about. Heather was right.
Stan
Who's Heather?
Wow. Really? [slams her locker shut and walks away]
Stan
Shit.
[Marsh family house; The family (minus Shelley) is having dinner at the dining table]
Stan
Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?
You were told to walk out in front of 100,000 people, including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit?
Okay, hold on. "A," I don't have a clit, so, technically, I wasn't rubbing anything. And "B," I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him!
Stan
[annoyed] Pff. [gets up from his seat and leaves the dining room, and so does Sharon, leaving Randy by himself alone]
All right, everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding, we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and—HEY, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!! Now where was I? Oh. yeah. We've asked students of Canadian origin To introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. [hands microphone to Canadian kids]
CKCanadian Kids 1
We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil, guy. [hands mic over to second group]
CKCanadian Kids 2
We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]
Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [long beat] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!
Garrison, what do you think you're—?!
And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!
[beat] That's it, Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!
Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's f**k them all to death!! [all students gasp] I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids! Sorry not sorry!
[Later in the school hallway, the Canadian kids walk off angrily]
Stan
Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.
Can you really blame them?
South Park · 1,569 quotes
