Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak/The horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak./For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat.

Stan

[irritated] Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!

Said the little boy in the red poof ball hat.

Stanny, you're alive.

But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?

Stan

It's dead.

For real and for true?

Are you sure?

Stan

I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.

He did it! Now our critter Christmas can finally happen! (raises arm in a salute) Hail Satan!

(raise arms) Hail Satan!

Stan

(confused) Wait, wha-what?

You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!

Yaaay!

Stan

Wai-wait, the Antichrist?! You said she was giving birth to your savior!

Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.

Stan

(stunned) But I thought you meant the Son of God!

Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?

No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!

This is cause for celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!

Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!

Stan

I am sorry that I killed your mom but the squirrel told me that she was evil.

You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?

Kyle

Stan! What the hell is going on?!

Stan

It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!

Stan

Don't kill Kenny!

You bastards!

Kyle

Maybe we should just let Kenny go in peace.

Stan

You mean Cartman's side is right?

Kyle

Cartman's side is right. For the wrong reasons. But we are wrong. For the right reasons.

You better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!

What do you wanna do?

Now for the finishing move! You're about to be "Batdad-ed"!

Stop! Stop or you're going to get your teams disqualified!

Stan

Disqualified? Fight! Keep fighting!

Break it up! Break it up!

Jimmy

Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?

Stan

Cartman isn't our friend anymore.

Kyle

We're ignoring him.

Token

Ignoring him, how come?

Kyle

Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.

Token

Oh yeah.

Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?

Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!

I never realized ignoring him was an option.

Stan

Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?

Cartman

Yeah.

Stan

You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?

Cartman

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Stan

Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.

Kyle

How do you know?

Stan

Because... I know what did cause the Beaverton flood.

Kyle

George Bush?

Stan

No...

Kyle

Terrorists?

Stan

No...

Kyle

Communists?

Stan

No...

Kyle

Chinese radicals?

Stan

No...

Kyle

...Cartman?

Stan

...kind of.

Kyle

CARTMAN FLOODED BEAVERTON?!

Kyle

We must save these people!

Stan

How?

Cartman

Why?

Stan

It's MY fault. I broke the dam.

Cartman

Aw, man...

...Stanley...you?

No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.

Stan

No. I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

No. I broke the dam.

And I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Cartman

He he...I broke the dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

[trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

No! I broke the fucking dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

I literally broke the dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

On a boat! That wasn't mine!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

I kept it secret for two days!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

The boat caught on fire and it exploded!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Stan

Aw, fuck it!

Cartman

Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.

What?

Cartman

What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?

Stan

What?

Butters

How do you know?

Kyle

The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.

[with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!

Cartman

[Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

Kyle

Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan

As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.

Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.

Stan

I am?! I didn't know that!

Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.