Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Stan

Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

What?!

Stan

Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.

[knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.

No!

Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.

I'm never coming out!

[to Stan] What did you say to him?

Stan

I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.

Oh boy.

Kyle

So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.

Cartman

Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.

Kenny

Hey, yeah!

Stan

No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.

Cartman

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

Stan

Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?

It's okay, Stan, I just had some beers to keep my buzz going.

Stan

Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?

I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right boys? [looks to Eric, Kyle, and Ike in the back]

Eric

...sure, whatever, dude.

Do you know anything about alcoholism?

Stan

Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.

Stan! Stan!(appears bald) Staaaaaaaaan!

Stan

Ah, God damn it!

How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?

Stan

I have a great teacher.

Thanks, son.

Stan

No, not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.

Well how about 4?

Stan

I think you're pushing it.

How 'bout 20?

Stan

That's not discipline.

Right, right. Does vodka count?

Stan

Dad!

[after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...

Stan

He's remembering!

Children! What have I done?

Cartman

It's okay, Chef! Go on, remember!

[singing] I'm gonna-- I'm gonna...

Kyle

Come on Chef, you can do it.

[singing] 🎵 I'm gonna make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fire! 🎵

YAY!

Kyle

Do you realize how retarded that sounds?

Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?

Stan

Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.

Stan

Oh my God, they killed Chef!

Kyle

You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!

Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.

Cartman

Maybe...maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, they say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's corpse does exactly what he was about to say and voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.

Stan

Come on. Let's go.

Kyle

It's half-man, and half-bearpig.

Cartman

No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!

Kyle

That doesn't make any sense.

Stan

It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

Kids, I saved you.

Stan

Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!

Yeah, right. The man that singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.

Cartman

[as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?

Kyle

[as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!

Cartman

[approaches] Okay, I'm back.

Stan

[as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!

Cartman

Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a shit!

Kyle

If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!

Cartman

Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fuckin' girl!

Kenny

[as a human hunter; muffled] I think Kyle has sweet titties! [laughs]

Cartman

Heh heh, totally!

Stan! Stan!

Stan

Hang on, guys. My dad wants something.

Stan!

Stan

WHAT?!

You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?

Stan

I AM socializing, retard! I'm logged onto an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!

[long pause] I'm not a retard...