Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Jimmy

Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [chuckles with Token and Clyde; Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards them]

What are you talking about?

Jimmy

Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers.

For what?

Jimmy

Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom.

Butters

What the heck are you doing?!

Cartman

Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro.

Butters

WHY DID YOU PUT CRAIG'S MOM'S BUSH ON THE INTERNET?!

Kyle

We have to find a way to get the word out. People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems. There has to be a way we can get to the news company and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we can disguise ourselves as something ridiculous...

Cartman

[uses his phone] It's done.

Kyle

Wha-what's done?

Cartman

The word is out. Terrance and Phillip hired pushers to make money off addicts. I Tweeted it. It's trending.

Butters

[through walkie-talkie] Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here.

Cartman

Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay?

Butters

I'm gonna beat her up and take her money!

Cartman

Wait, hang on Butters!

Butters

Take that, you damn hooker!

[through walkie-talkie] What you doin' motherfucker?!

Butters

I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me.

Cartman

Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destabilizing!

Butters

I can't… I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh… I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH!

Eric, I've had a lot of complaints that your online persona is becoming a distraction.

Cartman

Well, this sucks. Looks like I'm in the principal's office for just commenting on things.

Eric, I am talking to you!

Cartman

Adults so don't get what's cool anymore.

[speaking into the microphone] Alright, parents and students, please take your seats. [Randy gleefully throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him] M'kay, m'kay. Now as you (all) know, there was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "Hot Cosby," m'kay? [several people laugh] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired.

What? Fired?

Cartman

Sweet, dude!

And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh m'kay? So please welcome... PC Principal.

All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!

Oh, I was a lesbian then.

A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!

Butters

No, he got brainwashed by a cult.

And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.

Butters

What?!

Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?

Well, we got Tolkien. He's black.

And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.

Wha— I got detention?

I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!

Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!

What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!

Cartman

[meets PC Principal] Oh, PC Principal. How are you today?

Doing good. What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?

Cartman

You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention, and... you're going to apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.

What the frack are you talking about?

Cartman

It's just a request, that's all. See you around. Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks up a pair of underwear] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs it] Why, this is Butters's underwear.

What?

Cartman

PC Principal, you have Butters's underwear? And now— [sloshes underwear in the urinal] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?

[pause] What did you just say?

Cartman

You mean about keeping your dick out?

"Capiche"? You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! You better watch your microaggressions, bro!

Cartman

O-Kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, do you?

Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up]

Cartman

Okay, let's back up. [gets slammed against the stall] AAAHHH! [PC Principal slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror]

Wait a second. DID YOU JUST SAY "SPOKESMAN" INSTEAD OF "SPOKESPERSON"? WHEN WOMEN ARE JUST AS CAPABLE OF SELLING SANDWICHES AS ANYONE? [smashes Cartman into the mirror] ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO USE WORDS THAT ASSERT YOUR MALE PRIVILEGE? [smashes Cartman's head into a sink]

Cartman

No, I'm sorry! I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!

DO YOU THINK ITALIAN-AMERICANS AND WOMEN ARE LESS IMPORTANT? [throws Cartman on the floor]

Cartman

Oh, God!

[punches Cartman to a bloody pulp] YOU DARE USE WORDS THAT ALIENATE TWO COMMUNITIES OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DEAL WITH VERBAL BIASES LIKE YOURS ON A DAILY BASIS?

Kyle

[annoyed to Cartman when he and the other boys heard the news about Whistlin' Willy's being destroyed by a mob of Yelpers] We all... loved... Whistlin' Willy's.

Cartman

It didn't do well with Yelpers.

Token

[infuriated] You assholes destroyed the best place in town because they wouldn't kiss your asses!

[holding some flowers as Liane answers the door] Hi. Flower delivery for Eric Cartman.

Oh my, how beautiful! [signs for them and gives them to her son] Ooh, look, sweetie. Someone sent you flowers.

Cartman

[reading a note that came with them] "Can't we just try? Tee Hee." [figures out it was Cupid Me who sent the flowers to him] Oh, man.

Who are they from, hon?

Cartman

Someone who needs a real talking to.

Stan

Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?

Butters

Yeah.

Stan

He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him; Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]

Kyle

Well what are you guys talking about?

Butters

Nothin'.

Cartman

Stan's calling you a traitor.

Kyle

What?!

Stan

Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.

Kyle

And why do you think that, Stan?!

Stan

I don't know.

Kyle

Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!

Butters

Wuh huh, that's a good point.

Cartman

I am loving this right now.

Stan

My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!

Kyle

It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!

Cartman

Hohh that's low. [smiles]

Stan

Don't you dare call me a Cartman!

Kyle

N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!

Stan

[talking in Cartman's voice] FUCK YOU, KYLE! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]

Cartman

Fight!

Eric Cartman, I told you to get ready for bed!

Cartman

Yeah, I just wanna finish this movie.

No, Eric! This is a school night!

Cartman

Mom, I'm into this movie. I'm not going to bed right now. Chillax.

You most certainly are! Right now, mister!

Cartman

[hops off the sofa and aims his gun at her] I will go to bed when this movie is over, Mom!

Eric, where did you get that?

Cartman

Turn off the light and go back to bed. I'm staying up.

Eric, you march right up to your room, and you-

Cartman

I don't think so, Mom.

Eric, you get your butt to bed!

Cartman

No means no, Bill Cosby!

[draws her gun on him] I told you to go upstairs right now!

Cartman

Whoa, Mom, what the hell?

I'm not going to tell you again, Eric! It is time for night-night!

Cartman

Mom, put down the gun.

[advances on him] I am your mother, and you will do what I tell you!

Cartman

Okay, I am going. [walks around her, keeping his gun trained on her]

Well then, you go right now, Mister! [keeps her gun trained on him]

Cartman

I'm going to bed now, Mom. Chillax. [begins to go up the stairs backward]

Alright then. No comic books, just straight to sleep! I love you, sweetie.

Cartman

Okay, I love you too, Mom. Night-night. [the sound of a door closing is heard]

[caresses her pistol] Wow, he... he listened. [puts it into her robe pocket and walks towards the kitchen]

Cartman

Oh, dude, is this it? This is cool. So isolated. [He looks a shovel to a hole dug in ground] Check it out. There's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground. [Inside the cabin, Cartman use the computer to show the password] Dude, is this where we're gonna play? I call dibs on this side. What's the WiFi called? Is there a password? [Kyle closes the cabin door, and show the tools to bring the Cartman’s electronics] I don't see it. I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know. I think maybe the WiFi's not working. [He puts stuff on top] Where's the box? You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. [Turning around] You guys? You guys? There's… no WiFi.

The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands.

Cartman

[afraid] What are you… What are you guys talking about?

Stan

You brought this on yourself, Cartman. We're sorry.

Cartman

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online.

Kyle

Just put your stuff on the table and step back.

Cartman

[panic] Please! Please don't break my stuff, you guys! This is like, two Christmas and a birthday worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please!

Token

Let's just get it over with.

Cartman

No, don't take over with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt! I'm not! You guys, you guys, you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. We can still just play CounterStrike and forget everything. Oh, my God, there's no WiFi. We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play CounterStrike! It'll be sweet! You guys, come on, please! Please you can't!

I can't listen to this.

Cartman

Please, Clyde! Clyde, you’re my friend! Please, you, you know how much I need my stuff!

Let's just get it over with! [Walks up to Cartman, then he goes to break stuff]

Cartman

No, please, if I can't get online, I won't have it… I… [Craig stabs Cartman’s laptop with his knife, screams] No, God! No! Don't!! Don't!! Don't!! Oh, my God!! [He knocked on the table and destroyed by the boys] Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! AAHH!!! NIAH!!! NIAAAH!!! AAHH!!! AAHH!!! NAAAHHHH!!! [Cartman passed out]

Stan

What have we done?

Kyle

What we had to do.

Kyle

So somebody, like Heidi, could use it to see your entire Internet history. Everything you ever said and did on the Internet, even before you were together.

Cartman

[a look of fear crosses his face] Well, Heidi doesn't actually use the Internet. We've sworn off that stuff, so it's kewl.

Kyle

Right, but somebody, like me, could look up your entire Internet history, print it out, and give it to Heidi. I would imagine there's some things you've done or said on the Internet you wouldn't want Heidi to know about.

Oh, hi, Poopsie.

Cartman

Mom, Alexa left! She's not here!

Oh, yes, sweetie. We had to get rid of Alexa.

Cartman

What have you done with her?

Oh, it's okay, sweetie. We have Jim Bob now.

Cartman

What's a Jim Bob??

Doot-doot. Awaiting request.

He works the same and makes sure people don't lose their jobs. Jim Bob, what time is it?

[checks his watch] Doot doot, it is 3:27.

Ooh, Mommy's gotta run, sweetie. Jim Bob, how's the traffic to town?

Doot-doot, traffic's fine. You'll get there in about nine minutes.

[to Cartman] Okay, you want some music, hun? Jim Bob, play Kendrick Lamar.

Playing "Humble" by Kendrick Lamar. 🎵 I remember syrup sandwiches and crime and allowances. Finesse a (doot) with some counterfeits... 🎵

Cartman

Jim Bob, [Jim Bob stops singing] Simon says "big frosty semen shake."

The hell you talkin' 'bout, boy?! [strums again] 🎵 My left hook just went viraaaaaal. Sit down, be humble 🎵

Cartman

NOOOOOOOOO!

Eric, you need to stop. What they're doing is important.

Eric Cartman

They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve?

It's not about problem solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers but just being there, supporting each other and talking through those feelings.

Kyle

Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.

Stan

I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first.

Eric

Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?

Stan

I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.

Eric

He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.

Stan

Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now.

Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.

Stan

Cool. Do you have the Hummel?

This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party.

Stan

'Kay, fine.

All right, peace.

Kyle

Dude, that's really weird.