JJulien
[A live-action segment of the episode begins] (narrating) Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from Hell. [cut to different shots of the four boys screaming] ...trapped on a forty-two foot power boat [cut to the boat the boys are on] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour.
[angrily] Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
Cartman[shoots back at Kyle] Well, it’s not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all zip lining, you fahkin’ Jew!
Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!
JJulien
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Cartman
Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining- mine or Kyle's?
[unmuffled, nonchalantly] I don't know; I really don't give a shit...
JJulien
For four elementary school boys, an already tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... [cut to a fly-over of the boat as the title appears into view] "I Should Have Never Got on a Goddamn Boat". [cut to more shots of Kenny and Stan screaming]
[notices Cartman drinking another can of Diet Double Dew] Oh no. You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side, into the water! [the scene cuts to a watermark saying, "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies", followed by shots of Cartman defecating over the side of the boat, Stan screaming, and Kyle and Kenny vomiting]
Cartman
You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
Cartman
It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere, Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!
You're talking about Butters?
Cartman
Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!
[The boys leave the cafeteria and stand outside the restroom around the corner, where Butters has locked himself in]
[knocking on the door] Butters?
[off-screen] LEAVE ME ALONE!
GET OUTTA HERE, ALL OF YA!
Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes. Now, whatever your problem is, you just...
[unlocks the door and barges out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well, you don't know everything because your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school?! You're all fake and stuck up and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]
Cartman
Well, apparently, Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?
[runs out of the restroom again] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! YOU'RE ALWAYS TRIVIALIZING EVERYTHING I SAY BY GETTING THE LAST WORD! WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD THIS TIME! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in again]
Cartman
Wow.
[peeks his head out the door] Double wow!
[Later… in Principal Victoria's office; Principal Victoria discusses with Stephen and Linda about Butters' behavior]
I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
[irked] Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
[gruffly while feeling grouchy] I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off, I guess!
[sternly] Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?
I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?
[angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!
[After a short pause…]
Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of Panua.
Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus at the bus stop]
[infuriated] I am so sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little stank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this, and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important!
Cartman
[talking to a friend on the phone, via speaker] Yeah, I know dude. I'm tellng you, it was the worst pain in my entire life.
LLawrence
How many hours were you guys playing?
Cartman
Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like "Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!"
LLawrence
You were playing football?
Cartman
Yeah, but I was like "I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle." In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'?
That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game!
Cartman
[covering the phone] Kyle, this is a private conversation.
Then take that shit speaker phone off!
LLawrence
Is that that same kid?
Cartman
Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls.
How do we have a choice?!
Cartman
Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails?
LLawrence
Yeah, yeah, you said that.
TToby
My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone.
Cartman
Who is that? Is that Toby?
Cartman
Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?
TToby
Yeah, we're ditching school.
Cartman
You're what? What, you say?
LLawrence
Me and Toby are ditching school!
[wakes up as his phone rings and answers it] 'Sup, dude?
Cartman
Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?
Uh, yeah, the first grader?
Cartman
You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.
Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.
Cartman
Ah, yes, paladin Butters. Are you enjoying it?
Well, it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost ever time they show a guy's weiner, that guy's character is gay?
Cartman
What do you mean?
Well, it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vaginas and stuff, but most times they show a guy's weiner it's because that guy is in love scenes with another guy. You think it's because gay weiners are less threatening to women viewers?
Cartman
I believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, paladin Butters.
Yeah, I know - winter is going and there's dragons and zombies on the way; I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay weiner is all.
Cartman
You guys wanna play outside or something?
Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?
Cartman
I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?
Cartman
The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?
Yeah, you kind of make a point.
Cartman
Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?
[everybody shouts, "YEAH!"]
Cartman
Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]
CACommercial announcer
The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!
[an image of the years-in-development real life game, South Park: The Stick of Truth, appears on screen]
[appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.
[Deleted Scene]
Cartman
Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?
Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?
Cartman
The playground's burned down, dude.
Cartman
Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!
[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"
Because that's what you said.
That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!
Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?
TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!
[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.
Kind of like your start-up company.
[After a short pause, Kyle punches him in the face, having to have heard that]
[Token, Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, Stan, and Kyle start fighting as all the students cheer; Cartman runs up punches Token, also joining in; Later, all the boys (except Jimmy) are in Mr. Mackey's office]
Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?
Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?
[as Cartman walks up to a stall while peeing in the urinal] I think someone's in there.
Cartman
No! God damn it, no! Who's taking the shit?!
Cartman
I called dibs on stall one for all recess, Craig!
You can't call dibs on a toilet.
Cartman
Son of a bitch! [walks up to another bathroom stall, but Kyle is already using it] Oh, no. No, no, no! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!
Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fat-ass!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Cartman
I'm going to the potty.
This is the girls' bathroom!
Cartman
All right, I need to tell you something, Wendy: I'm transginger.
Cartman
Did you notice the bow? I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice, now get out of my way. I have to take a shit.
[Cartman is sent to Principal Victoria's office and she confronts him about using the girls' bathroom]
I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls' bathroom.
Cartman
Because I'm transgender. I looked it up, that means I can use the girls' shitter.
You are not transgender, Eric. You don't even know what that means.
Cartman
Yeah-huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy but I'm really a girl.
All right. Well, if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?
Cartman
That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws.
Cartman
Erica.
Listen, Eric. You must know why we can't have you in the girls' bathroom.
Cartman
All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers.
Cartman
[as the drone flies over to the backyard of the Tucker residence] Dude, there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house!
[muffled] Okay, try to get closer!
Okay, uh, maybe that's enough.
[The drone flies towards the window of Craig's bedroom, where Craig is seen sitting at his computer]
Cartman
Oh, dude, look, there's Craig! [chuckles; the drone moves to the next window of Thomas and Laura's master bedroom, showing Laura getting undressed] Craig's mom's taking off her clothes.
[muffled] Are you serious?!
Cartman
Check it out, guys, she's taking off… Oh, my God, we've got full bush!
Cartman
[to Kenny] This thing is recording, right?
Cartman
Dude, that is Craig's mom's bush, right there! Wait. Wait, what's that? [Thomas has been called over and looks at the drone outside their window when Laura heard it as she stands behind him] Oh, shit, dude! Bail! Bail! [thrusts the controller to Butters]
Cartman
His dad sees you!
[starting to panic] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Cartman
Fly back to the house, stupid!
[Later… Thomas shows up at the Stotch residence and confronts Stephen about the drone spying on Laura]
[angrily banging on the door and Stephen answers] You got a problem, Stotch?!
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about! There was a drone spying on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!
Hey, now, hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.
Horse-shit! Your drone is out there flying around right now!
I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you. [leads Thomas to the garage, opens the side door, and sure enough, the drone and its controller are sitting on the floor as expected] There, you see? It's right there.
So... so you flew it back here in time?
Well these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They ought to be illegal. I better not find out it was your drone! [leaves the garage]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
