Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!

He sure did.

Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this.

Cartman

Hey, there you are!

Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success.

Cartman

Just give me my money back.

What?

Cartman

I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park.

..But it's doing great!

Cartman

You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!!

You bet! I'll go get your money right now! [both leave]

Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets?

Cartman

GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!!

Eric, what the heck are you doing?

Cartman

I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.

Why are you wearing a condom?

Cartman

So I don't get AIDS.

Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.

Can I help you boys?

Stan

Yeah, we need condoms!

Condoms...

Kyle

Yeah, quick!

...How old are you boys?

Stan

Why does that matter?

Butters

I'll be 9 next week!

Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.

Kyle

Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?

I just don't think kids your age should--

Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.

But...they're children!

Would you rather them do it unprotected?

Cartman

Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?

I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!

Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

Stan

Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.

I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!

Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.

Butters

50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!

No, you have to change them.

Kyle

Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

Stan

Doesn't it give any other directions?

Butters

Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]

Kyle

What are studses?

Butters

Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!

Cartman

Just put it on, Butters.

Butters

How come I got to go first?

Cartman

Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?

Butters

Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.

Kyle

It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.

Butters

I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]

Stan

Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!

Cartman

I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!

Kyle

Sure...

Butters

But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.

Gah! I got rubber bands!

Butters

[fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.

Stan

How do you feel?

Butters

...Pretty good.

Cartman

Do you feel protected?

Butters

Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.

Stan

All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.

TIMMEH!

[at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!

Bebe

Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!

Stan

Ha! They're your diseases!

Kyle

Yeah! You get out of town!

Cartman

Here, talk to them, Butters.

Butters

[lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?

Cartman

Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.

Butters

[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.

Kyle

[to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.

Cartman

Towelie, you are the worst character ever.

I know.

Cartman

You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.

Don't preach to me, fatso!

Cartman

I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!

YOU'RE stupid!

Cartman

Oh, yeah, well you're a towel!

YOU'RE a towel!

Cartman

I told you, jawas have no heart.

Kyle

Jawas?

Cartman

You know, sand people.

Kyle

Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it?

Cartman

Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.

Stan

Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Jimmy

Why did the...pigeon cross the road?

Cartman

Okay, why?

Jimmy

Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken.

Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class.

Cartman

Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Kyle

Cartman!

Cartman

[on the phone] Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses,

I wasn't born yesterday either!

Cartman

Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!

Stan

Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.

Cartman

How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?

Kyle

22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.

Cartman

Wugh, that's a long time to wait.

I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.

Jacking it? Jacking what?

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.

What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.

Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.

Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.

[shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.

Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with bells on, you old horse-bangin' skank.