Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Cartman

Oh, man!

What did you see?

Cartman

Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.

Counselor Rick

Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?

Cartman

Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?

Cartman

All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!

Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?

Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.

Cartman

Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned. Tell them how they were fat, but grew into their bodies when they got older.

Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.

Kyle

It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!

Stan

Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.

Kyle

They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!

Cartman

Well, you could make them go away for a while.

Kyle

How?!

Cartman

Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.

Stan

The police?

Cartman

Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you got to do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.

Kyle

What's that?

Cartman

I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.

Kyle

[awed] Wow! Three months without parents!

Kenny

(Wow, that is awesome!)

Stan

But what do the police do to them?

Kyle

Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.

Kyle

What's "bad touch"?

Cartman

Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch".

Kyle

Okay, molestered, bad touch.

Cartman

Yeah, And cry. [Kyle lets out a soft cry] Oh, he's ready.

Cartman

Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.

Kyle

There's no sand in my vagina!

Cartman

[urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!

Kyle

Cartman, this is serious!

Cartman

So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb.

You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan

But Dad, I was just trying to-

Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan

[to Cartman] Asshole.

That's better.

Cartman

Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!

Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.

Stan

Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]

Cartman

That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

Stan

Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.

Butters

I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.

Kyle

You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

Stan

Who are you?

Kyle

I'm Kyle.

Cartman

He-he, guess who I am, guys?

Stan

Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?

Cartman

Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!" Now who's with me?!!

Timmy!

Cartman

[groans] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy.

Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]

Cartman

Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!

Yeah, whatever, kid.

Stan

He'll do it, dude!

Stan

Look, you guys! That line isn't long!

Kyle

Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!

Cartman

Kenny's a random slut!

Cartman

[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.

Kyle

[in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!

Cartman

[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?

Kyle

Hohohooho! Oowwww!

Cartman

YOU SONS OF BITCHES! [goes towards the source of the sound]

Stan

Come on, dude!

Kyle

OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!!

Cartman

[arriving] What the hell are you doing?!

Stan

Aw, crap.

Kyle

OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! [falls off, but outside the park]

Stan

Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]

Kyle

[now standing, rubbing his ass] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!!

Stan

Alright, let's go.

Cartman

[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!

Stan

You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!

Kyle

My life can't get any worse!

Stan

You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]

Cartman

If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!