Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Butters

Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.

Cartman

Then eat your puke!

Butters

No!

Cartman

C'mon, Japanese girls do it!

Butters

[inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!

DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)

Butters

Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)

Butters

Ah! What did I do? What did I do??

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!

Butters

(BASH!!) Dahh..!!

Cartman

Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.

Cartman

Hey, you guys, Butters is asleep.

Stan

He's such a douchebag.

Cartman

Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...

Stan

And then what?

Cartman

...and then you pee on them!

Kyle

No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make them pee!

Cartman

Oh, really? Oh, well.

They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]

Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.

Cartman

Whatever, I'll crap in Maury's pants!

You aren't bad, you aren't nothing! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!

Cartman

I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! Whatever, I do what I want!

Cartman

I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! Whatever, I do what I want!

Wow! That is out of control!

Stan

Psst, Cartman.

Cartman

[in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!

Stan

Cartman, wake up!

Cartman

What the hell are you guys doing?

Kyle

C'mon, we got to go.

Cartman

Where are we going?

Stan

We're going to go save the baby cows, fatass.

Cartman

What? Why?

Kyle

'Cause they're going to get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.

Cartman

So...

Stan

We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.

Cartman

Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.

Butters

But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!

Stan

Damn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!

Cartman

Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!

Stan

Yes we do!

Cartman

Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]

Kyle

What?!

Cartman

Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.

Kyle

Screw you, Cartman!

Cartman

Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.

Stan

Go on, dude it's the only way.

Kyle

No!

Cartman

Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.

Stan

Just do it really fast, and we can go.

Kyle

Have Butters kiss it.

Cartman

No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]

Kyle

Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]

Cartman

[laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!

Kyle

Sick! I felt it on my face!

Stan

Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!

Cartman

Well, I'm not going with you!

Cartman

[to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?

Kyle

Dude, that's messed up!

Cartman

We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!

What?! I--I can't do that!

Cartman

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talking here, but I guess you're not talking to me. Good-bye.

No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.

Cartman

Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not going to work.

Cartman

Mike.

How we doing?

Cartman

We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?

Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.

Cartman

Oh, Mike, you're breaking my balls!

Cartman

What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!

I'm not killing anybody!

Cartman

Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!

He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.

Vaginitis?

It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.

Kyle

Whoa, dude.

We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.

Cartman

Thank God we stopped it in time.

Stan

Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.

Butters

Hear hear.

Sheila

All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.

I'll say!

Butters

Aw, we're still grounded?

Kyle

But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.

Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.

That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.

All right!

Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!

Cartman

Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.

Butters

Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.

Kyle

Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?

Stan

We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?

Butters

I'm sure! There's no way!

Kyle

Uh, why not?!

Butters

Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.

Cartman

[glares at Butters] Oh, god damn it, you better be kidding!

Butters

No, I really don't have a babysitter.