I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty!
[Quagmire whispers in his ear]
Oh, guilty is the other one? [exasperated] Well, I don't know.
S1112 and a Half Angry Men
[The Griffin family are all taking a bath together]
Peter, how long do we have to sit here?
Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bitches!
S11Bigfat
[The Griffins are greeting their new neighbors who have moved into Cleveland's old house]
SSStan Smith
Hello, neighbors!
Joe, you can walk!
SStan
How do you do? I'm Stan Smith. Please, come in.
[The Griffins walk inside to meet the rest of the Smith family]
FFrancine
Oh, I'm so glad everyone could make it.
RRoger
[entering the room] Stan, I need $50. They’re selling a biopsy of Celine Dion's uterus on Ebay.
The hell kind of dog is that?
RRoger
[points to Meg] I was gonna ask the same thing.
SStan
Oh, uh, that's our alien, Roger. He lives in our attic, but nobody can know! And don't tell anybody about our attic.
[Peter’s phone rings and he answers]
Hello. Oh, hey, Quagmire! Hey, you're not gonna believe this, I'm over here with Joe, and he's got a space alien…
[Stan suddenly shoots Peter dead.]
SGSmith and Griffin Family (except Peter and Stan)
AAAAAAH!
[scene cuts to Peter struggling to sleep in bed]
Peter, wake up! You're having a nightmare.
[waking up] Oh! Oh, Lois! Thank God it was just a dream.
HHHank Hill
[exiting the bathroom] Hey! Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?!
[scene cuts to Hank waking up in bed next to a sleeping Peggy]
HHank
[sigh] Dammit! I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
S11Total Recall
[in a deep voice] I even won a deep voice contest with Joe.
[in a deep voice] I heard you coming.
I made myself heard.
Where have you come from?
I've come from where I've been.
You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?
Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road.
RReferee
Winner!
S11Save the Clam
There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.
But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.
Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?
[a man whispers into Quagmire's ear]
My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.
Oh, yeah.
S11Farmer Guy
[to Peter] I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.
[cut to a cutaway of Peter walking by a hole in the ground, he stops to look at it]
Is that my ass?
You guys. I think this is a meth lab.
Oh my god. Do you mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?
What's going on? What are you guys talking about?
Uh-oh, someone's getting cranky. [picks up Stewie] I think he needs an N-A-P.
What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.
S11Roads to Vegas
LSLucky Stewie
Okay, come on. You look nothing like your photo in the ad.
LSLoan Shark Enforcer
[pulls out a gun] Shut up and give me the money!
LBLucky Brian
What?! What the hell are you talking about?
LSLucky Stewie
Okay, I'm starting to think you're not Apollo.
LSLoan Shark Enforcer
You bastards think that you can just borrow a bunch of money from a loan shark and then waste it on tacky suits?!
LSLucky Stewie
"Tacky"? Sir, I'll have you know I bought this in the lobby of a casino!
LBLucky Brian
Don't shoot! You must have us confused with someone else. We didn't borrow any money, I swear!
LSLoan Shark Enforcer
Sounds like someone wants to die!
LBLucky Brian
No! Stewie, just give him the money from the backpack!
LSLucky Stewie
Okay, okay! Don't shoot! [unzips the unlucky pair's backpack] What? It's empty! It's just Cheerios and coloring books!
LBLucky Brian
What?! Where the hell is the money?!
LSLucky Stewie
Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you have some milk and a bowl, we can give you a healthy way to start your day.
LSLoan Shark Enforcer
Alright, enough of this! You, dog - pick which one of you two is gonna die!
LBLucky Brian
What?! You can't ask me to decide something like that! The life of every being is sacred, just like the life of -
LSLoan Shark Enforcer
Fine! I'll kill you!
LBLucky Brian
No, no! [points at Stewie] Kill him! He's a baby! He won't even remember he was alive!
LSLucky Stewie
You son of a -
[The Loan Shark Enforcer shoots Stewie in his forehead]
LBLucky Brian
Aaah! Stewie!
LSLoan Shark Enforcer
Now give us the money borrowed!
S11No Country Club for Old Men
Hey, so yeah... I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.
MMan
Hey Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape.
Just don't say anything, okay?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.