TV show quotes
Parents of a failing student, say what?
What?
No, Peter, wait!
Nope. Too late. He said it. I'm marking it. [Principal Shepherd goes to a chalkboard, where he gives himself a tally mark] Didn't get The Wus. They're very smart. Asian. Maybe they didn't understand me. I don't know.
I can't believe I have to go to vocational school. Does this mean that I'm a failure?
No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.
[telling her family about the Olympic team] I'm a bi...
Knew it.
...athlete.
Didn't know it.
Now, to start the mower, you grab this pull cord like so, and give it a nice hard yank.
[Chris tries pulling the cord, but it doesn't work]
Can I change my grip?
[Chris pulls the cord in a way that emulates jacking off and the lawnmower starts]
Wow, much better.
It's a more familiar motion.
There she is, the wealthiest heiress in all of Newport. The holy grail for guys like us.
Who is she?
That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trapp Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.
[gasps] My God! You mean, the heir to the Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trap Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis fortune?
Exactly. She goes by "Pip".
Pip?
Pip.
Now some of you might find the idea of two bosses, unconventional, but...
We.
Assure.
You.
Nothing.
Will.
Be.
Different.
Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?
Joe, who don't you shut the...
[Peter puts his arm on Quagmire's chest]
Tell me more about this silly word.
You might have a g-g-g-g-disembodied spirit in your house!
[see Ivanka Trump for the first time]
Holy girl boner!
[Peter and Donald Trump walk through The White House]
Wow, The White House is great. There's no wonder you spend two days a week here.
With Geico, you could save 15% on car insurance.
Post Raisin Bran: like Kellogg's, but worse!
Whoa! Ass ahoy!
But Peter, there's one thing I still don't get. Why did you take the massage job in the first place?
For you, Lois. [produces a fancy golden comb] I did it to earn enough money to buy a comb for your beautiful hair.
Oh Peter, didn't you know? [takes off her wig revealing her bald head] I *sold* my beautiful hair to buy you a bottle of massage oil.
[sarcastically] Great. So now I'm an unemployed masseuse with a bald wife. Merry fucking Christmas!
Joe, what are you eating your ice cream out of?
They ran out of those batting helmets, so they're serving it in athletic cups.
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