I'm using the ladies' room. How bad could it be? [goes into the ladies' room, a girlish scream is heard, and Peter exits] I saw a mouse.
S17Trans-Fat
You shut your mouth! That man was a hero!
S17No Giggity, No Doubt
[Quagmire frantically hands Courtney a cotton swab to conduct a DNA test]
Here, rub this up and on the inside of your cheek
QCQuagmire and Courtney
Giggity!
Ahhh! Stop staying that!
S17You Can't Handle the Booth!
For you kids out there, DVDs were plastic discs…
I... I got this, Brian. Have you ever been at your grandmother's house, and you look at her weird old computer and there's like a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.
Okay, ha-hang on a second. If I'm not real, then why does a fat nerd pretend to be me at every Comic-Con?
SMSeth MacFarlane
Please, please don't mention him. It'll only encourage him.
S17Island Adventure
From the moment we arrived, I've either been drunk or ejaculating.
These are things you don't say to a baby.
S17Throw It Away
Ugh. I can't believe you dragged me to The Flow. This is gonna suck.
Oh, knock it off. It's not gonna be that bad. Besides, I couldn't leave you at home. The last time I did that, the kids walked in on you looking at internet corn.
Peter, that's your 50th bag. What could possibly be in there?
Oh, have you not heard?
Brian, no!
[Peter plays his damage "Surfin' Bird" record, his dancing glitches along with the music]
Wait a minute, didn't we destroy that?
I glued it. Surfin' Bird, ahh, ahh, ahh, finds a way.
S18Yacht Rocky
The internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.
So is Derek Jeter safe?
[Umpire enters]
UUmpire
Safe! He's half black!
S18Absolutely Babulous
Okay, Go, Stewie! Ha!, Isn't this exciting?
Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneelin' durin' the National Anthem.
[Kyle Kaepernick kneels during the National Anthem]
Boo! Get on your feet!
[Kyle stands up, but his gigantic afro blocks Peter's view]
Boo! Down in front!
It's a meaningless event. Like a bar mitzvah.
[cutaway to a boy's bar mitzvah]
It’s Lois.
RRabbi
Today, you are a man.
BBoy
Great! Can I drive?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I vote?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I drink?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I have sex?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I cash the checks?
RRabbi
Yes!
S18Disney's The Reboot
That woman looks exactly like me.
That's your reflection, Dad.
Oh ... I'm beautiful.
S18Cat Fight
CCCamp Counselor
I'd like to move on to having you all sign your contracts with God.
Contracts with God?
CCCamp Counselor
Yep, it's a written commitment, to forgo all alcohol, drugs, and self-pleasure.
...Yeah, I'm gonna have my lawyer look at this.
And the first to open their eyes is gay.
S18Peter & Lois' Wedding
This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told … The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense,...
Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?
And in go the earbuds.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.