Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!
Hey, I told you she would go out with you.
And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.
S5 E13The Soil is Moist
Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.
M-- My hoe?
Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?
What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?
Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.
Have you been listening this whole time?
Wouldn't you?
You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?
Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.
You're not helping.
I rarely do.
S5 E14Winky-Dink Time
How much you looking to spend?
Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
Did you make the call?
Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".
You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.
You and me.
Just don't clock block me, OK?
"Clock block" you?
That's not it?
No, that's not it.
You're waiting for a prostitute?
No.
Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?
MMilly
No.
I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
What?
Just don't say "balls".
I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.
WWaiter
Can I bring you anything else?
Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
S5 E15Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle)
Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?
Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.
Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?
Why would I want to do that?
Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?
You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.
Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?
Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
All right. Then something good came of this.
You're gonna get married?
Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Cooperstown?
It is my bat.
Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.
You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?
S5 E16Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.
It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.