TV show quotes
Hey, honey, how's it going?
Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
I did.
Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Why are you sorry?
I just find it's easier that way.
Hey.
Hey.
How'd it go with Gabrielle?
I think you know how it went.
Yeah, I do. It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it?
I didn't go through with it.
Really?
Guess we're different that way. (pause) So... I didn't really steal her from you, did I?
Nope.
You were trying to get rid of her the whole time, weren't you?
Yep. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Thanks for helping me out with that.
Well, at least now we're even, right?
Not quite.
What do you mean?
(appears) Charlie. Are you coming back to bed?
Charity? Charity Kirschenbaum?
Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see.
Yeah. 20 years.
She looks great, doesn't she? Come on, baby.
But, but, but...
Now we're even. (leaves with Charity; Alan gets enraged to the point where he says...)
[yelling from distance] I... HATE... YOOOOOOOOUUUU!
[Charlie is watching a boxing match with Jake, who is unimpressed]
Boxing sucks.
As always, you're entitledto your stupid opinion.
Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other,it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!
Oh, does that hurt?
Yeah.
Good.
I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.
You clear on everything I told you?
Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.
Why?
What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
You didn't say anything about that.
It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!
How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?
She is kind of cute.
Why don't you go talk to her?
I don't know what to say.
That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!
Charlie [after getting pepper-sprayed by a woman at the pizza restaurant]: It's worse than the potpourri!
(Alan and Donna just had sex)
Wow, that was just lovely.
I do aim to please.
And after last time, I appreciate the aiming. (looks at watch) Hey, we made good time. I can let the babysitter go early.
The key is efficient foreplay. Minimal attention to each breast before I (pause) Meander to your Dander. Spoon?
Sure.
(Alan and Donna spoon and sigh)
And switch. (Alan and Donna spoon to the other side and sigh again)
[Charlie is watching a boxing match with Jake, who is unimpressed]
Boxing sucks.
As always, you're entitled to your stupid opinion.
Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other, it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!
Oh, does that hurt?
Yeah.
Good. (Alan appears)
Hey, what are you doing?
Uncle Charlie hit me.
Good.
Where have you been?
I'll... I'll tell you later.
Tell him now. I got better things to do. (leaves)
You promised he'd grow on me.
I lied.
So, how was you and Donna?
It was okay. It may not have been crazy-hot monkey sex like when we first started dating, but it was very much in the general category of, uh, jungle humping.
Jungle humping?
Yes. Maybe not, you know, tree swinging, but certainly canoodling on some low-hanging branches.
You poor bastard.
Don't you dare feel sorry for me! This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine. And if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well, that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegial partnership.
You poor, poor bastard.
This conversation is over. (storms off)
If only.
(reappears) OKAY, IT'S BORING! IT'S SUFFOCATING! IT'S A DEATHWATCH! But what choice do I have, Charlie? Pretend I'm you? I'm not you. I'm a monogamous, settle-down kind of guy who hangs on to a relationship until I'm looking at divorce papers or the pointy end of a steak knife.
Oh, that's a load of crap. You're just afraid if you let go of one of these broads, you're never going to get laid again.
DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?!
You really want to do something with me?
Yes!
How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Nobody.
Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.
[Charlie is on the couch, sick]
Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!
Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.
No, it's either a cold or a flu
And this concerns me how?
I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.
Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too
[Evelyn holds her phone up to the pedicurist, who is coughing violently due the the nail polish}
That does sound bad.
Oh, it is.
[In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.
What was that?
Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.
[hangs up]
What are you doing?
Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".
The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...
You're changing him?
You're cleaning him?
You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Potato, pot-ah-to.
Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!
It's called "puberty".
It's called "doughnuts".
Doughnuts don't make hair.
[Herb is gardening]
How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.
I like 'em trimmed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
