When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Nothing.
S5 E16Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
I'm sure you're not.
Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
What are you doing?
I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Just remember to put the seat back down.
It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
What are you, my wife?
No, I'm the wedding planner.
S5 E17Fish in a Drawer
[Jake takes a strawberry from the wedding cake]
We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
But I'm still hungry.
Have some cheese!
Have we cut the cheese?
We've got a real problem here.
What do you mean "we"? [walks away]
[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
You son of a bitch.
So you weren't the one who was...
Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Berta, that is my father in there!
OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
SSloane
My God!
WWes
It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
SSloane
Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
No, I never go to my uncle's room.
SSloane
Why not?
'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
Alexis [the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]: Hi, Alan.
Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.
[At the interrogating room, with red hair attractive cop player by Jamie Rose]
CHCharlie Harper
That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?
S5 E18If My Hole Could Talk
I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].
I never took any LSD!
You might want to start telling people you did.
Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
What are you talking about?
It's in some sort of foreign language.
It's Elizabethan.
Well, can we get one in English?
Walk.
You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
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