Charlie [singing]: I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup
S5 E8Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TCTV commercial
Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
Who loves kids?
KKids
Charlie Waffles!
Right!
[Charlie turns off the TV]
That's it, what do you think?
Alan [after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie [to Jake]: What about you?
You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!
Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!
What?
I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Charlie, you have to get out there.
Right, the little bastards await.
Alan [to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?
[plays a little bit then burps as kids laugh] That one's not on the CD!
They love him! How can they love him?
AArtie
Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
AArtie
He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
S5 E9Tight's Good
To Evelyn.
EEveryone
Hear, hear.
That poor clueless bastard.
Alan We're gonna stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a bit, and then I'm gonna fake a migraine.
You can do that?
Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
You're just making it hotter for him.
But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.
That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?
I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.
How?
If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.
How could you take the fall for me?
I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
S5 E10Kinda Like Necrophilia
GGabrielle
So, you are a "seek-list"?
A what?
GGabrielle
A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
GGabrielle
Ah. [giggles]
I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".
Nice, huh?
Nice? She's magnificent!
You should see her naked.
Can I?
Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
You really wanna know?
Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
[moment of silence] That's not a secret.
I didn't think so, but you asked.
So that's it, you got a knack?
Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
So, uh, how was school this week?
OK.
Anything noteworthy happen?
No.
I thought you said he got dumped!
I was easing into it.
Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.
When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?
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