Judith quotes from Two and a Half Men

Judith

I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.

Kandi

Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.

Kandi

Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!

Judith

No, no, Osama bin Alan.

Judith

What in God's name does she see in him?

Charlie

Well, I don't have all the details, Mrs. Harper, but apparently, when he's not being emasculated and demoralized on a daily basis, he's quite the lover.

Judith

What's that supposed to mean?

Charlie

Well, you know what they say, your average man is like a good field mule. You don't beat him, he'll keep plowing all day long.

Judith

Nobody says that.

Charlie

You're hard to fool. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but...I'm tired of talking to you. [closes the door in Judith's face.]

Judith

Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].

Alan

Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Judith

Oh, eggnog.

Herb

Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

Judith

That's why I need eggnog.

Herb

Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.

Alan

Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?

Judith

Yes, my mom's out of rehab.

Herb

Actually she kind of jumped the fence.

Alan

Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?

Alan

On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Judith

What did he say to you?

Alan

Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.

Judith

Why would he think that?

Alan

Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.

Alan

Jake can hear you two in bed.

Judith

Oh, God... oh god...

Herb

He didn't hear THAT.

Judith

You wanna get the door, Herb?

Herb

Stop yelling at me!

Judith

I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!

Alan

You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]

Alan

Herb, is this a bad time?

Herb

The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.

Judith

WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!

Herb

(from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!

Judith

Hey, honey, how's it going?

Jake

Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!

Judith

Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.

Alan

I did.

Judith

Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?

Alan

'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]

Why are you sorry?

Alan

I just find it's easier that way.

Alan

But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.

Herb

Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.

Judith

In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?

Herb

Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.

Judith

I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.

Alan

OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.

Judith

Herb and I are going to have a baby.

Berta

Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.

Alan

Is this a bad time?

Herb

They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.

Judith

Don't you walk away from me!

Herb

Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!

Jake

Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.

Herb

Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!

Herb

I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Judith

OH, MY FREAKING GOD!

Alan

Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.

Judith

Great...

Alan

Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.

Judith

Uh-huh.

Alan

I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.