Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!
Fourth? What are the other...never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're... [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] ...back to square one in dealing with the PTA car...nival.
The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.
Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]
TCTV commercial announcer
So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.
She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.
Judith's changed, Charlie. She's...she's a different woman.
Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?
That's a little graphic, don't you think?
I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!
[Herb invites Alan and Charlie to Ladies'Night at the Sand Dollar]
What do you say, Alan? You can get in for half price. Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.
Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, huh? Uh, no, I have other plans.
[unaware that he's going to meet Judith] Oh, got a date?
[sarcastically] Yeah, Alan, you got a date?
No, no. A date? PFFT! Not likely. [fake laugh] [to Charlie] No, I have a meeting with the, about the- about the group. I told you, remember?
[jokingly] No, tell me again.
[to Herb] He's a little pickled. [back to Charlie] Uh, well, if you must know, uh, I-I belong to a book club that I am going to.
Oh, that's right. What book are you reading again?
It-It's a mystery, uh, called, "Why Are You Doing This to Me?"
Oh, yeah. It's by the same guy who wrote "Because It Amuses Me".
Boy, I wouldn't have had you two pegged as readers.
Well, there you go. Good night. [leaves]
[before leaving] Hey, Alan?
[scared, but lies] Nope. See you.
Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I said hi.
And that the time we spent together is very special to me and if she needs anything, uh, just call me.
You know what's a good book? [both Alan and Herb listen to him] "Under the Dining-Room Table", by Richard Gobbler.
[long pause]
But-But, it does not compare to "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai.
