[drunk] Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there? (drops onion) Run, Run, You're Free!
Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.
[on their way to the track]
How much can I bet?
How much did you bring?
I have to use my own money?
Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.
That's not gonna get you very far.
Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?
Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.
But it's worth fifty.
To who?
To Pizza Hut.
Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.
What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Huh.
It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.
It's just money, Alan.
Well, I don't want him to think like that!
Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?
For the last time, I misdialed!
Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.
(still drunk) [after Alan opens the door] Oh, hey Alan, come on in!
Why don't you come in here?
Yeah, I Lost my key. (pause; then Charlie holds up keys) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.