Two and a Half Men · Season 1, Episode 14
How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?
I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
If you say so. I was never good at math.
Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.
[at the supermarket]
I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?
You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.
It's $40,000!
Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera
[Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.
Thank you Berta.
I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.
Charlie, miscellaneous cash expenses? What exactly is that?
I don't know, go see a movie, buy a hot dog, stuff like that.
It was $80,000 last year!
Oh, that. That's women and gambling.
Gone and gone.
Oh, great! Why don't I just shoot myself?
You can't afford a gun.
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