Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Evelyn

This event isn't televised, is it?

Charlie

No.

Evelyn

Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.

Charlie

[hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.

Alan

Come on, just ignore her.

Charlie

Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Charlie

Enough!

Alan

C'mon, it's catchy.

Charlie

So is diphtheria.

Jake

How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?

Charlie

'Cause I don't.

Jake

In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.

Charlie

Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.

Kandi

Ouch.

Alan

What?

Kandi

One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Alan

When was the last time you saw a dentist?

Kandi

Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

Alan

Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Charlie

Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.

Kandi

Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?

Alan

Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.

Kandi

Good, no sense drinking over this.

Charlie

You must be so proud.

Alan

Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.

Charlie

Sesame Street-smart.

Alan

Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?

Charlie

Is that so?

Alan

Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.

Alan

I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.

Kandi

If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.

Alan

Where are you going?

Charlie

I'm gonna solve all your problems. (returns to the kitchen with a baseball bat in his hand) You wanna see it coming or should I surprise you?

Alan

(mock laughter) You're not funny.

Kandi

You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.

Alan

Really? How old were you when your parents split up?

Kandi

Twenty-two.

Alan

But you're twenty-two now.

Kandi

Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.

Kandi

I don't even know who you are anymore!

Alan

Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!

Kandi

Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!

Alan

If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!

Kandi

'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!

Alan

Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

Charlie

Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.

Mandi

You can go two more innings?

Charlie

Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.

Alan

Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--

Charlie

Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]

Alan

Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Alan

So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.

Mandi

Andy?

Alan

I guess.

Charlie

Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?

Mandi

What's your point?

Charlie

No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.

Mandi

Hi, Alan. How are you?

Alan

About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.

Charlie

Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.

Alan

Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!

Charlie

I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!

Alan

But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.

Charlie

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!

Alan

Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?

Berta

Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.