Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Judith

Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].

Alan

Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Charlie

You like classic rock, right?

Jake

Right.

Charlie

OK, well, pick a band.

Jake

How about Queen?

Alan

Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.

Charlie

Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?

Alan

Um...

Charlie

You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

Alan

Define "chronic".

Charlie

Face it Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of failure with women?

Alan

It's not a lifetime yet!

Charlie

I, on the other hand have a wealth of experience.

Alan

He's [Jake's] twelve! He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way!

Charlie

I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!

Alan

You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.

Charlie

Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!

Alan

Come on, look at his point of view.

Charlie

What's his point of view?

Alan

Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]

Alan

Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.

Charlie

I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.

Alan

Oh, really?

Charlie

Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Alan

Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.

Charlie

Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"

Jake

Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.

Charlie

It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.

Jake

Oh, I guess she called last weekend.

Charlie

You're telling me this now?!

Alan

Charlie, Charlie, calm down.

Charlie

How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!

Jake

She said some guy named Will has tickets.

Jake

I don't know. She said he'd call.

Charlie

Will's gonna call?

Alan

You mean the tickets are at will call?

Jake

I don't know, maybe.

Charlie

Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!

Alan

So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?

Charlie

Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.

Alan

Which pretty much leaves you.

Charlie

Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.

Alan

Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

Alan

Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.

Charlie

Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!

Charlie

Did she [Rose] just use the front door?

Charlie

She never used the front door before.

Charlie

Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.

Alan

What do you think she's gonna do?

Charlie

The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.

Alan

I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.

Charlie

The claim check for your manhood?

Alan

As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.

Charlie

And you wonder why people think you're gay?

Evelyn

Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.

Charlie

I can read, Mom.

Jake

Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.

Charlie

We can never go back, Jake.

Alan

Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.

Evelyn

Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.

Charlie

Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?

Evelyn

I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.

Charlie

Um, Mom...?

Evelyn

Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!

Kandi

I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Charlie

I don't freakin' believe it.

Alan

Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!

Charlie

I don't freakin' believe it!

Alan

[about Charlie's wedding night] Take my advice; tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointing towards an open window!

Charlie

You, sir, have the heart of a poet.

Alan

I am merely the voice of smelly experience.