Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!

Charlie

You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.

Alan

No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!

Charlie

Ch-- chill, chill.

Alan

Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!

Charlie

You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]

Alan

No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Alan

Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Alan

Have you no shame?!

Charlie

Let me think. Nope, just a tug.

Alan

Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.

Charlie

News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!

Charlie

I think I might be in love with Mia.

Alan

Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.

Charlie

I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.

Alan

He says no.

Berta

I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?

Charlie

I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

Evelyn

Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.

Jake

Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Charlie

Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.

Alan

Me? What would make you think of me?

Charlie

Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?

Alan

I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.

Charlie

Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?

Alan

Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.

Alan

Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.

Kandi

Don't lie to me, Alan.

Alan

OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.

Kandi

Story of my life!

Charlie

Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.

Judith

Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.

Alan

Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.

Judith

What about him?

Alan

[scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.

Charlie

Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.

Alan

See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.

Kandi

Wow. Can I share something with you?

Alan

Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.

Kandi

You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.

Alan

No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.

Kandi

[makes the "loser" hand gesture]

Charlie

Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.

Charlie

And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.

Alan

[scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!

Alan

You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?

Charlie

Yep.

Alan

A real one or like Toby the astronaut?

Alan

Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.

Charlie

Why'd they keep their boots on?

Alan

Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".

Kandi

Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.

Alan

Well, thank you.

Kandi

So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Charlie

Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.

Alan

What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."

Charlie

Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

"Booty! Booty!"

Alan

Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!

Charlie

Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!

Alan

Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake

I was tired!

Alan

OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake

In your medicine cabinet.

Alan

I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake

Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie

Oooh.

Judith

What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta

The kid's gonna need another party hat.

Charlie

With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.

Alan

Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?

Charlie

No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.