Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.

Charlie

Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.

Alan

Monkeys can't drive a stick.

Charlie

Alan, where'd the money come from?

Alan

I found it.

Charlie

Alan...

Alan

Mom.

Charlie

You traded your soul for a Porsch?

Alan

I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.

Alan

The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.

Charlie

Well, then go 65.

Alan

The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?

Charlie

Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.

Charlie

Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.

Alan

Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.

Charlie

Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?

Alan

Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."

Charlie

Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"

Alan

Nice, but I can top it.

Charlie

Go.

Alan

It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."

Charlie

We gotta go get Jake.

Charlie

Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?

Alan

He broke her.

Charlie

Chewed her up and spit her out.

Alan

It was a beautiful thing.

Charlie

I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.

Alan

Me, too.

Charlie

But clearly, he is the chosen one.

Jake

Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]

Alan

And they shall call him Jake.

Judith

When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!

Alan

Uh, well, Judith... you do.

Judith

I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?

Alan

Got it.

Judith

Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]

Alan

[to Berta] Charlie...

Berta

[interrupting Alan] Got it.

Alan

Get it? How can you get it?

Berta

Well, there's a Roles Royce in the drive way, [pull out silk leggings] and I found this hanging on the mailbox, so I'm guessing that your brother has some bimbo upstairs and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy.

Alan

Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.

Charlie

How come?

Alan

Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?

Charlie

Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.

What happened to you?

Alan

I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.

Well, why didn't you just call the guy?

Alan

You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!

Alan

The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.

Charlie

For a silly drawing?

Alan

It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.

Charlie

Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.

Alan

You actually did that? That's horrible!

Charlie

No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.

Alan

Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.

Alan

I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.

Charlie

OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.

Charlie

So this is where you come every day, huh?

Alan

Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?

Charlie

I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.

Alan

OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."

Charlie

So right off the bat, I lie?

Alan

I am a doctor, Charlie.

Charlie

Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.

Jake

You know, in some countries, you're innocent until proven guilty.

Alan

You confessed!

Jake

Oh, yeah.

Alan

And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius!

Alan

OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we are going to just degenerate into name calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.

[Barbara Schmidt's busty mother] Fine. We'll let the principal decide.

I'm Principal Gallagher.

Alan

[defeated] Oh, God, my boy's going to get the chair.