Charlie and Alan in “Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab”

Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.

Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.

Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?

Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."

Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"

Nice, but I can top it.

Go.

It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."

We gotta go get Jake.