Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.

Alan

In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.

Charlie

Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Evelyn

Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?

Alan

Uh...

Evelyn

I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.

Alan

You had other options?

Evelyn

Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

Charlie

And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

Alan

What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.

Judith

Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.

Alan

Bed? Our old bed?

Judith

My new bed.

Alan

What was wrong with the old one?

Judith

Too many memories.

Alan

Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?

Alan

What are you doing?

Jake

Masticating.

Alan

What?

Jake

Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.

Alan

What do you think I think?

Berta

Do you mind if I take your room?

Alan

My room? Gee, I, I--

Berta

Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Alan

Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.

Charlie

No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.

Alan

Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.

Charlie

Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.

Alan

You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!

Berta

Well, that's just not right.

Alan

Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.

Berta

It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

Alan

Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?

Evelyn

It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".

Alan

It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?

Jake

I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.

Charlie

Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.

Jake

Anybody want to lick the beater?

No.

Alan

Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.

Isabella

I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.

Alan

Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.

Alan

Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?

Charlie

So she's a little kinky!

Alan

No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.

Charlie

Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.

Berta

[seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?

Alan

I'm not sure..

Berta

Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.

Alan

I don't think so, Berta.

Berta

I mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!

Jake

Uncle Charlie?

Charlie

Yeah, buddy.

Jake

You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.

Alan

Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.

Jake

Why not? He's already getting sex from her.

Charlie

Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.

Jake

Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

Evelyn

Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.

Alan

I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!

Charlie

Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Mia

Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?

Charlie

Well, to be perfectly honest...

Mia

Good-bye. [leaves]

Alan

Hey, hey, did you hear that?

Charlie

What?

Alan

It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.

Charlie

You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?

Alan

Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.

Charlie

Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.

Alan

Stay out of my room.