Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?

Charlie

Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.

Alan

What did you think?

Charlie

It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?

Alan

Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.

Alan

And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.

Charlie

Who's gonna believe you're the husband?

Alan

Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.

Charlie

You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

Charlie

So, how you getting to the restaurant?

Alan

Sherri's picking me up.

Charlie

Ah! Very convenient.

Alan

Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?

Charlie

No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.

My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.

Alan

You do realize I'm straight, right?

[giggling] You really are adorable.

Alan

Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.

Really?

Alan

Ironically, not my mother.

Alan

She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.

Charlie

With who?

Alan

With me.

Charlie

With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...

Charlie

When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.

Alan

What do you think of?

Charlie

You.

Charlie

You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.

Alan

We don't know that.

Alan

[Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.

Charlie

Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.

Charlie

Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

Alan

Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?

Charlie

Certainly not Rose.

Alan

Where are you going?

Evelyn

Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.

Charlie

Doesn't your soul qualify?

Evelyn

Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]

Charlie

How will that be any different than this?

Alan

You're hitting on the widow!

Charlie

No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.

Alan

Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!

Charlie

Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.

Alan

Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?

Charlie

Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

Jake

Where's the dead guy?

Alan

Jake, show a little respect.

Jake

Where's the dead guy sir?

Alan

That woman just lost her husband!

Evelyn

Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!

Alan

So?

Evelyn

So she had to see it coming!

Charlie

Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.

Alan

Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

Jake

How did he die?

Alan

He just got old. His heart stopped.

Jake

Oh. His watch is still going.

Alan

Yep.

Jake

Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.